Finding Contentment

Nothing snaps you back in the reality like stepping on the scale.  Today after my workout I ended it with my weekly weigh in.  I could feel my entire body seize as I stepped on the scale.  The air flew out of my body, as if it would secretly decrease the scale if I wasn’t breathing.  The scale can be a vengeful lover.  The good news is I am down 2.2lbs, which is awesome!  It’s the first step in my goal to lose 10lbs in the next 30 days (I choose to lose weight in intervals with small goals v a giant goal). 

As I sat there looking at my weight and calculating what I needed to do, suddenly I could hear the voice of my Yoga instructor Cindy in my head, “Find contentment.”  During my Yoga Flow II class last night at Cindy’s Kava Yoga Studio she had us focus on finding contentment in our practice v searching for fulfillment in achieving the poses.  In life we’re often focused on the goals and the sense of accomplishment/victory it brings us. 

We become myopic in our life zeroing in on the goals.  If we only focus on the road in front of us, we miss the wonder around us and the experience it brings.  I wondered if the focus on getting my exercise down and the scale could suck the happiness in the experience of these activities. 

How does one find contentment in living healthier?  How does one enjoy healthy eating or exercise while working towards a goal?  Simple.  Make it an event!  Look at a healthy diet and exercise a party.  Instead of groaning, “Ugh, I have to work out!” change the thought process.  If you're groaning about exercising find the contentment.  Is there a type of exercise you enjoy?  when are you happiest during exercise?  On days I'm groaning I look to the things that bring me happiness like swiming or Yoga or Boxing.  Nothing like a good punching session to find contentment and fun! 

Happiness on this journey allows this to be an enjoyable experience, while I work up to these goals.  It keeps me more connected to the work I'm doing ensuring I don't turn back.  I’m choosing to find the contentment in the process.  I’m stopping to smell the roses along this journey.  It allows me to enrich this experience, which ultimately will help me maintain these healthy activities.  By focusing only on the destination we will forget how to get there.

Today’s Food (kind of naughty) –

Breakfast – Strawberries

Lunch – Half a baked chicken breast, spoon full of mashed potatoes, and spoonful of macaroni and cheese

Dinner – Too full to eat after my larger lunch

Snacks – two chocolate chip cookies, banana, and a JELLO Pudding Cup

Today’s Exercise:

20 Minute Power Walk with Milo

10 Minute Home Boxing

10 Minute stair climbing routine

20 Minute Yoga/Pilates Abs

Today’s Treat:  Improv class!!!

Today’s what I like about me:  I enjoy how sometimes my hair can be curly and other times straight.  It makes it fun to change it up.

Justified is not just a Timberlake CD

I have this need to justify myself about my weight.  I’m always finding a way to mention how much weight I’ve lost, the healthy choices I make on most days, or what type of exercise I engage in.  No, it’s not done out of this sense of pride, but out of a desire to prove I’m not a tub of lard sitting on the couch eating potato chips all day!  I’m still heavy and have a great deal of weight to loose, but I’ve come so far from where I use to be.

However, people don’t know.  If they don’t know my story they may assume I am just allowing myself to be heavy and not working to be healthy.  At least, this is the fear I have of what people are thinking about me.  I feel their judgmental gazes whenever I eat or drink in public or (cue forshadowing music) go shopping. 

A few weeks ago I treated myself to a slice of cheese pizza (NY Style) and a bottle of water.  It was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon.  Milo and I had been on a long walk.  We sat outside the little pizza place enjoying the fresh air.  I had taken two bites of my pizza slice when a thin/beautiful woman walked up to me, pulled down her sunglasses, and sneered, “That’s not going to help your boxing at all.”  I looked up in shock.  First, I had no idea, who she was.  Second, I had no idea how she knew I boxed.  Was this a crazy kind of stalker that followed fat people around to make them feel bad when they ate something not on the Weight Watchers' approved food list? 

She pushed up her sunglasses and sauntered away.  I could feel a large lump of shame in my throat, making it hard to swallow.  I scooped up the pizza, tossing it in the trash, and walking away with Milo.  I felt like the sad Charlie Brown messed up the buying of the Christmas tree music was playing as I quietly headed home, beating myself up for ordering a slice of pizza.  I couldn’t help to feel if I could explain to her how much weight I’ve lost and how I’ve transformed my health, she would understand and be okay with my occasional slice of pizza.

As I look back on the entire situation I can’t help to ask myself, when did I give people so much power over me?  Before I started eating healthier, I could care less.  I ate what I wanted.  I drank what I wanted.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable in stores, because I knew which ones carried my sizes and simply bought accessories at the others.  I was in a bit of denial about my weight and health, but I was happy. 

Once I underwent a journey of self-discovery, I experienced this new-found sense of self-conscience behavior.  In fact, the first time I bought clothes in a store that wasn’t exclusive to the Plus Size ladies, I felt all the sales people looking at me.  I feared a Pretty Woman moment, except instead of being the whore they don’t want in their store I was the fat chick. 

I became increasingly sensitive about the clothes I wore, the food I ate, and what I was drinking in public.  I made of point of letting people know how I healthed-up that iced coffee with fat free milk, that I was 80lbs lighter…etc.  Perhaps, it’s this journey of constant self-improvement that caused me to develop elements of poor self-esteem in my early 30’s.  It’s an odd aspect of this process.

However, I have to find balance.  There has to be a way to accept and love oneself without losing the desire to continue to improve one’s life.  Changing our lives doesn’t me we stop loving ourselves.  It doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t still love who I am and enjoy the body I’m in, while I’m here.  Making me feel bad only harpoons the work I’m doing.  This journey is about enjoying overall good health and self-love is such a critical part of that.

Not to be cliché, but that’s who I am and I’m okay with that, Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Nobody can make you feel inferior, except yourself.”  It wasn’t that woman with her snarky comment which made me feel bad, it was me.  I was already self-conscience about eating in public.  Even a salad stresses me out, because I fear the comment, “Watching your weight” will slip out. 

I have to live in the light and be who I am.  Loving one means loving all of oneself, especially the parts that are a work in progress.  It means being okay with my behaviors and owning them.  Instead of tossing the pizza, I should have ate it and smiled, "Yeah I'm loading up on carbs."  As I continue this journey I must remember that I am perfect in my past, current, and future physical states and that I should love who I am no matter what the scale says.

Today’s What I Like about me Thought:

I’m a good friend.  I just need to make sure to be a good friend to me!

Today’s Food:

Breakfast – Strawberries, Banana, and cup of Cheerios

Lunch – PB&J on Whole Wheat, Baby Carrots, and a single serving of Gold Fish Crackers

Dinner – Unknown at this time

Snacks – A Coke Zero, Half a serving of Cinnamon Almonds, JELLO Pudding Cup

Today’s Exercise:

20 minutes lunch time Power Walk with Milo

10 minute tug play session with Milo after work

90 minute Flow II Yoga class at Kava

Today’s Treat:

A hot bubble bath at the end of the day!

All in a day

I am a creature of habit. I realized that, as I put on ABC7 this morning to check the news. I cannot force myself to try CBS or NBC news. I have watched ABC News since I was a kid back in WNY. In fact, growing up between Rochester and Buffalo, I had an option between ABC News on channel 13 or 7. I was such a habit-driven individual that I wouldn’t watch 13 ‘til I lived in the Rochester-area. Nobody what city I am in; living, work, or vacation, I will only watch ABC News.


It’s interesting to look at the habits I’ve developed. They become almost ritualistic.  Not engaging in these habits can cause me slight confusion and a sense of an incomplete day. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to have a panic attack if I don’t watch ABC News in the morning, but it is a part of my day. It’s one of those daily habits that move me through my day.

Watching ABC News each day provides me information and enjoyment. Other daily habits can provide equally needed positive results, although, others can have negative consequences (cue forshadowing music). It’s important to examine these habits to understand how they developed, what role they play, and their consequences. Do the daily habits we keep have positive emotional or physical results?  As well, it was important to understand that I was a habit-driven individual when developing a healthy life stole.  I better understood how I functioned.

When I first began my weight loss journey in 2009 I remember looking at my two 20oz Pepsi habit of the day. My parents were huge soda drinkers. We drank soda as kids and adults in my household. The combined days of habitual drinking of soda increased my risk for high blood pressure, diabetes, and inflated that spare tire that had settled in my midsection. I had to look at why I drank soda. Was it the taste? Was it the ritual of it? Was it the caffeine? Once I understood that I could battle my soda addiction more easily and slowly chance those daily habits.

Just like combating daily habits that would derail my journey to good health, I had to work to integrate good health habits into my daily experience. Some of those habits include morning stretching, regular exercise, scheduled meals, starting my day off with a large glass of cold water…etc It took time to engrain these into my daily agenda truly embracing them as part of my day in which if I didn’t do it I felt like my day was incomplete.

It took time to mold my day into a series of healthy habits. In the beginning it took some forcing (I was like the unruly child refusing to eat their vegetables). I had to stick to a regular schedule ‘til I got to the point that not doing these healthy habits became a foreign feeling and cause me to feel my day was incomplete. The more healthy habits are a critical piece of the puzzle of my day, the more likely I am to continue to engage in healthy living.

Today’s Menu:

Breakfast – Two Scrambled Eggs, Two piece of Whole Wheat bread, and a banana

Lunch – Bowl of Soup

Dinner – Pork Chop, Mashed Potatoes, and Green Beans

Snacks – Strawberries, Single Serving of Almonds, JELLO Pudding Snack

Today’s Exercise:

5 minutes Yoga Stretching

20 minute lunchtime power walk with Milo

60 minute boxing workout

Today’s Treat – Watching last night’s Game of Throne at the end of my day!!

Today’s what I like about me thought – My flexibility! Not only have I physically gained flexibility over the last year of more intensive Yoga practice, but I am flexible in life with the emotional give and take of being a good human being and friend.

It's not a diet...

The dreaded phrase, “I’m on a diet,” is spoken and the room grows quiet. Suddenly images of not being able to enjoy dinners out, constant conversation about calories, and the inevitable food-related tirade by someone that has only ate salads with no dressing for the last three weeks come to mind.

Let’s face it we grown, when we hear friends and family say they are on a diet, because we wonder how this will impact us. We grown when we’re on a diet, because we begin to severely limit the things and foods we can eat. We treat dieting like a prison sentence and frankly I’m doing a life sentence.


The first problem here is looking at it like a diet. We look at eating healthy and exercising as something we do for an assigned period of time to reach a specific goal aka serving time ‘til we make parole for good behavior or ‘til we find a cupcake with a file in it and saw our way out to relapse into a life of dietary crime. As long as we look at healthy eating and exercise in this matter we’re doomed to repeat bad behaviors.

Healthy diet and exercise are not something we do for a period of time, but should be a lifelong pursuit. The more to integrate into our lifestyle the more successful we’ll be in sticking to a lifelong plan that promotes overall good health.

This, however, doesn’t mean that we can never taste chocolate again, enjoy a slice of birthday cake, or have a burger! These foods aren’t banished from our diet. A healthy lifestyle incorporates the good and the guilty foods in moderation. A slice of pizza isn’t going to destroy you. It’s when we go overboard jumping into the junk food deep in of over indulging that we find ourselves drowning in poor health.

A healthy life isn’t about restrictions, but balance. I’m a true believing in one’s life having balance. We can’t do all of one thing or we are lopsided. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, remember? Well, all lettuce and no scoop of ice cream makes Melissa plot against skinny friends lol! This was something I have struggled with my entire life. When I worked on losing weight I quickly banished all salt, sugar, and fat from my diet. I would eat fresh fruit and vegetables for a month or two, losing weight, and then one day binge on something sugary, fatty, or salty. I would, of course, beat myself up and the vicious cycle would continue.

It wasn’t ‘til I discovered the need for true balance in my life that I embraced the same notion with my diet. I could have a burger from time-to-time, as long as I was making healthy choices on a regular basis. So, even though today I plan to engage it two guilty items (a pop corn at the movie) and, perhaps, a burger after, I don’t have to feel like I’m destroying myself because I’m making healthy choices on a regular basis.

This shift in my perspective about diet and exercise allows for a greater balance and enjoyment in this process. When we see something as temporary we lack the emotional investment needed to truly get what we need out of it. The experience is truly lost on us. If I relegate diet and exercise to that idea I will fail in my quest to live healthy.

Exercise isn’t something I will ever stop engaging in, which makes the pursuit more fun. I’m building upon it by challenging myself to new heights. Just as with my diet I am learning ways to have balance. For a fat girl a life of unbalance will only result in falling to the ground and frankly I prefer standing tall.

Today’s Meals:

Breakfast – bowl of fresh strawberries, banana, and bowl of shredded wheat with 2% low fat milk

Snacks – Single serving of carrots, single serving of almonds (eating them now yummy), small pop corn at the movies, and a small Coke Zero at the movies

Lunch/Dinner – Undecided, but it will be out and involve something meaty!

Today’s Exercise – 20 minute walk with Milo and 20 minute cardio workout at home

Today’s Treat – Seeing Iron Man 3 with Stacie and then attending an Improv show with Stacie, Bethany, and Marianne!

Today’s what I like about me – There are all these fun aspects of my personality that make up the fabric of me. I’m much like a quilt; warm and cozy, but lots of patches of color!

Not Just a Workout

The framework around exercise is about physical health. We exercise to lose weight, tone muscles, and stay physically healthy. This was the lesson drilled into us by gym short wearing drill sergeants, when institutionally forced to engage in physical activity during PE classes in primary and high school.


I totally bought into this when I first integrated exercise into my life. I wanted to lose weight, so I could live a healthier life. As I gasped through each workout wondering why I was doing this to myself I would coax myself through with the idea of losing weight, toning up, and getting healthy. I focused solely on the outward results of an exercise plan.

I looked to exercise as the answer to getting physically fit ignoring the emotional impact it could have. As my strength and endurance increased I gained a sense of pride in the work I was doing and excitment in doing it. When I first hit the Wheel Pose in Yoga Class it wasn’t, “Hey, I am physically healthy,” that passed through my brain, but a deep sense of accomplishment related to my determination and growth. Each time I complete a boxing workout, that could be used as a form of punishment for wayward individuals; there is this feeling of achievement. These are things I never saw myself doing.

Working out simply began as a means to an end. It was a box to check in my day. However, the moment I began to challenge myself with different types of athletic pursuits like Yoga, Boxing, Kickboxing, and Swimming the passion, love, drive...etcseized me! It was like a ravenous lover grabbing me and passionately kissing me. I wanted more! I wanted to push myself by pursuing things I never dreamed I could do.  An athletic awakening consumed me.
This transformational experience took hold of me. It caused me to see my workout as this fun activity I did for me. It brought me happiness, pride, laughter, and so many other emotional delights. What began as a strategy for combating weight morphed into an important element of my life.

Exercise can do more than change our bodies. It can change our lives. With Yoga, Boxing, Kickboxing, and Swimming I found a way to channel my Type A Personality in a healthy way, decrease stress levels, develop a sense of accomplishment/pride, and so much more! While it’s helping support weight loss, its emotional impact upon my life is what drives me to continue. On those days that I just don’t want to get out of bed or leave the house after a long work day the way exercise makes me feel drives me. The instant gratification v the long term goal keeps me engaged.

Exercise truly works, when we find that passion in it and realize it's tranformative power upon our entire self. 

Today’s Food:

• Breakfast – Two Bananas and A bowl of Frosted Mini Wheat Cereal with 2% low fat milk

• Lunch – Slice Apple, Spoonful of Peanut Butter, Steamed Broccoli, Single Serving of Baby Carrots

• Snacks – Single Serving of Popcorn, ice blended coffee, peanut butter, and banana drink with nonfat milk, a mini Oreo cupcake (thanks Liam), a 60 calorie vanilla pudding cup

• Dinner – skipped it (naughty) and engaged in snacking throughout the evening

Today’s Exercise:

• 20 minute power walk with Milo at lunch time

• 90 minute Flow I Yoga class

Today’s Treat:

• Coffee date with Darren (what a lovely spirit)

Today’s “What I like about me”:

• I really turn myself on (lol get it)! My sense of humor. I like how I can be silly and find the humor in life. Even if nobody else is laughing, I am and that makes me smile!

But you promised!!!!!!!!

Morning comes too quickly! All comfy in my bed is the shortest and sweetest part of my day. I tend to linger in the bed hoping to stop time for a few extra hours of sleep. Despite requesting it each year for Christmas, the ability to stop time has yet to be bestowed upon me (You Suck Santa!). This morning as I lay wrapped in my blanket listening to the hum of the fan and watching day creep into the room I thought, “I’ll start tomorrow.”


Only 12 hours early I had resolved to start each morning with Yoga stretching to start my day off right. Morning exercise gets the blood flowing and better prepares us to tackle the day. Plus, it’s pretty badass to say, “Yeah, I already worked out this morning.” However, the lure of my bed caused me to rethink that decision. I could always start tomorrow. What would be bad about starting one day later? What damage could it cause?

We often reason with ourselves to postpone change. This private procrastination simply leads to un-kept promises. How often do we break promises we make to ourselves? We always promise ourselves that one day we will, “start exercising,” “take a vacation,” “eat healthy,” “have fun”…etc We make promises each day in the form of contracted expectations in the roles we play. We promise to be a good employee, love our partner, take the dog out, be on time for work, go to church, go to that movie with friends, get that report in….etc It’s easy to keep those promises, because there is someone/something on the other end counting on us.

Relationships can hold us accountable to keep those promises. There is an unwritten agreement to not disappoint one another. Then, why can’t we do that for ourselves? The longest relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. Why can’t we treat ourselves as the most important person in our life?

This morning as I lay in my bed I could hear my inner self screaming, “DON’T FORGET ME!” It was jumping up and down demanding I stop ignoring her and keep my promises. I had images of it singing its own version of “Cats in the Cradle.” I rolled out of bed and began my day keeping that promise to myself. Once that first promise was kept it was easy to keep the rest. Just like breaking one promise has a domino effect of breaking others.  I ate healthy and on time! I took one of my conference calls on the Blue Tooth and listened to the learning session while power walking the Dog around my complex. Now, I write my daily blog post.

All of this adds up to making me a priority. I can't push things to the next day that lift my emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I am the most important person in my life and that’s okay to admit. Without taking care of me, I will never be able to keep those promises I have made to others!


Food –

• Breakfast – Two Pieces Whole Wheat Toast and Two Scrambled Eggs

• Lunch – Bowl of Chicken Soup

• Dinner – Large bowl of Steamed Green Beans, Cup of Brown Rice, and Bowl of Fresh Fruit

• Snacks – Single Serving of Almonds, Sliced Apple and spoonful of peanut butter, single serving of whole grain gold fish crackers, and a banana

Exercise/Activity –

• 20 Minute Flow Yoga Session (5 a.m.)

• 30 Minute Power Walk (Lunch Time)

• 60 Minute Kickboxing Class (5:15 p.m.)

Today’s Treat:

• Two hours of Improv with friends!

What I like about me thought of the day:

• I’m a strong leader, which comes out in my work and personal life. It shined today in a way of helping support my colleagues!

It's not my fault, it's the chair!

We’ve had those moments in which we attribute hitting maximum density to other factors. These jeans must have shrunk. That store cuts there sizes smaller. I am bloated and retaining water. This top must have shrunk in the wash. That seat belt is shorter than they use to be…etc.

In my case the moment of self-denial and realization collided during a NFL Playoff Game. My boyfriend and I found our seats at the Ducks v Red Wings game. As I squeeze into the seat, my sides resting against the arms tightly, I exclaimed, “Are these seats smaller than the one's we usually have!?” We had been to the Honda Center three weeks prior and I don’t recall feeling so snug.  My boyfriend found himself in that very uncomfortable male dilemma to lie or tell the truth. He cautiously said, “No, these are the same sized seats we usually have.”

The realization slapped me across the face like dramatic Soap Opera scene. It wasn’t the seats! It wasn’t the fabric of those pants that use to fit! It wasn’t the washing machine plotting to drive me insane by shrinking things! It wasn't an endless state of water retention!  It was, gasp, me!  I had gained weight.

How is this possible? I work out four days a week. I started mentally scrolling through my health management behavior. I was doing the right things, wasn’t I? It appeared so through the lens of my self-denial. Quickly as I pulled of the rose colored classes of self-assurance I could see the stark reality. There was a collusion of both good and not-so-good behavior that called for a course correction.

I could have blamed hte chair, but excuses only perpetuate the problem. This is how the scale inched higher and higher and seats got snug. It wasn’t ‘til I stripped away the story I told myself to find the reality that I was able to make honest and thoughtful change. Self-assurance and self-acceptance is a powerful thing resulting in both good and unintended negative results. Sometimes that self-assurance is really self-denial masquerading. It’s Halloween and the trick is on us. The more we make excuses and hide behind them the greater we become invested in that truth; detaching from the reality of ourselves.

I had three options; (1) remain invested in the delusion and carry on to a future wearing Circus Tents as t-shirts and being fork-lifted out of my house with a raging case of diabetes, (2) beat myself up and emotionally breakdown in self-destructing behavior of unhealthy yo-yo dieting, or (3) accept the truth, be aware of the behaviors that led to the construction of delusion, and develop a healthy approach to move forward.
Today I choose option three. I am using my skills as a Social Worker to develop a SMART plan for re-engaging in a healthy plan to truly love myself by living healthy.

The Plan:

• Scheduled eating (no more letting my workday dictate when/if I eat. I will adhere to a strict schedule to ensure I am getting proper nutrition and energy through the day)

• Morning Yoga (each morning I will begin with 10 – 15 minutes of Yoga stretching to start my day off correctly)

• Conference Call Walks (I will take at least one of my daily conference call via my blue tooth to facilitate an entire 60 minutes of walking, while I am engaging in a meeting. This will ensure movement throughout the workday and increase brain functionality throughout the day).

• A 7 p.m. cut off for eating (this I already do, so it’s all good!)

• Four days of moderate to intense exercise (3 days boxing/kickboxing with 1 day of Yoga and/or Swimming)

• Increase veggie intake (need to make a majority of my meal vegetables and decrease grain intake)

• One naughty treat a week (everyone needs a cheat each week)

• Write a blog post a day to keep myself honest, centered, and focused on my emotional and physical health

• Set 90 day goals not solely based in pounds dropped, but capturing milestones and growth in compliance with the plan, changes in physical ability…etc and having prizes that are no associated with good such as a massage, pedicure, new outfit…etc

• Identify individuals that support me in this process to look to for feedback, guidance, and reality checks when needed

• Look in the mirror and tell myself something awesome about me at the end of each day

• Take myself on a self-date once a month to remind myself that this is about my health and I do this out of love for me

The plan will develop as I continue to move forward to live a healthy life. So, even though I could have blamed it on that chair or even blamed it on me I am choosing a bath of growth and self-developing v blaming and excuses. Blame and excuses get us nowhere.