Through the darkness

I sat in a dark room on Saturday with a Pilates Instructor calling out positions that were foreign to me.  Panic stricken eyes searched for light to guide the way through the darkness.  The only light shined from the door; escape.  I felt lost.  I could feel that clump in my throat building as I pushed back the tears.  Sitting there motionless I tried to use telepathy to tell the instructor, “I have RP and my rods don’t pick up the wee bit of light in this room; therefore, I have night blindness.  HELP!”  My telepathic screams fell on deaf ears.

Blind and lost I went towards my only salvation; the light of the door.  I could hear voices, “Did she just walk out of palates?”  I was humiliated.  My heart anchored down with the pain of mortification.  I vowed, “I’ll never take that class again,” as I jumped onto the comfort of the elliptical.  For 30 minutes I pounded out my frustration.  The sting of salty, sweaty tears stung my eye, burning the shame of what happened into my memory.

It’s been a few days since the embarrassment of Saturday’s Pilates Class.  Today as I did one of my many familiar circuit training routines it hit me that we’re all blind during this journey.  At some point on the weight loss journey we each sit blindly, pushing back tears, and vowing, “Never again!”  It may happen in the beginning, middle, or down the path.  However, it happens to each of us.  We feel helpless and search for the light of certainty.  

It’s a universal experience that can derail our journey.  Whether its feeling lost in the middle of a plateau period, not knowing where to begin, or searching for the strength to pull through, it happens to each of us.  As someone with a visual impairment I spend much of my life walking blindly.  However, with my trusty cane Pedro (yep, I named him) I can find my way through the darkness.  We each need a cane to help us get through the darkness of hopelessness, uncertainly, embarrassment…etc on this journey.  That cane could be a work out DVD, a work out buddy, a healthy cooking recipe book, a blog, a friend, a dog to go walking with each night…etc.  It could be whatever helps us along the path.

Today I realized this blog is my cane.  It helps guide me.  It helps me reflect on this journey and orient myself to my life’s journey.  So, in that moment of darkness find your cane to guide you through.  Remember it’s not a crutch, because you’re holding it.  It’s in the power of your hands, guiding by the many skills you have deep inside.

I'll be going back to that class, using my voice, and trying again.  Part of the journey through the darkness is creating new paths, not just embracing the familiar.