I have this need to justify myself about my weight. I’m always finding a way to mention how much weight I’ve lost, the healthy choices I make on most days, or what type of exercise I engage in. No, it’s not done out of this sense of pride, but out of a desire to prove I’m not a tub of lard sitting on the couch eating potato chips all day! I’m still heavy and have a great deal of weight to loose, but I’ve come so far from where I use to be.
However, people don’t know. If they don’t know my story they may assume I am just allowing myself to be heavy and not working to be healthy. At least, this is the fear I have of what people are thinking about me. I feel their judgmental gazes whenever I eat or drink in public or (cue forshadowing music) go shopping.
A few weeks ago I treated myself to a slice of cheese pizza (NY Style) and a bottle of water. It was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. Milo and I had been on a long walk. We sat outside the little pizza place enjoying the fresh air. I had taken two bites of my pizza slice when a thin/beautiful woman walked up to me, pulled down her sunglasses, and sneered, “That’s not going to help your boxing at all.” I looked up in shock. First, I had no idea, who she was. Second, I had no idea how she knew I boxed. Was this a crazy kind of stalker that followed fat people around to make them feel bad when they ate something not on the Weight Watchers' approved food list?
She pushed up her sunglasses and sauntered away. I could feel a large lump of shame in my throat, making it hard to swallow. I scooped up the pizza, tossing it in the trash, and walking away with Milo. I felt like the sad Charlie Brown messed up the buying of the Christmas tree music was playing as I quietly headed home, beating myself up for ordering a slice of pizza. I couldn’t help to feel if I could explain to her how much weight I’ve lost and how I’ve transformed my health, she would understand and be okay with my occasional slice of pizza.
As I look back on the entire situation I can’t help to ask myself, when did I give people so much power over me? Before I started eating healthier, I could care less. I ate what I wanted. I drank what I wanted. I didn’t feel uncomfortable in stores, because I knew which ones carried my sizes and simply bought accessories at the others. I was in a bit of denial about my weight and health, but I was happy.
Once I underwent a journey of self-discovery, I experienced this new-found sense of self-conscience behavior. In fact, the first time I bought clothes in a store that wasn’t exclusive to the Plus Size ladies, I felt all the sales people looking at me. I feared a Pretty Woman moment, except instead of being the whore they don’t want in their store I was the fat chick.
I became increasingly sensitive about the clothes I wore, the food I ate, and what I was drinking in public. I made of point of letting people know how I healthed-up that iced coffee with fat free milk, that I was 80lbs lighter…etc. Perhaps, it’s this journey of constant self-improvement that caused me to develop elements of poor self-esteem in my early 30’s. It’s an odd aspect of this process.
However, I have to find balance. There has to be a way to accept and love oneself without losing the desire to continue to improve one’s life. Changing our lives doesn’t me we stop loving ourselves. It doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t still love who I am and enjoy the body I’m in, while I’m here. Making me feel bad only harpoons the work I’m doing. This journey is about enjoying overall good health and self-love is such a critical part of that.
Not to be cliché, but that’s who I am and I’m okay with that, Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Nobody can make you feel inferior, except yourself.” It wasn’t that woman with her snarky comment which made me feel bad, it was me. I was already self-conscience about eating in public. Even a salad stresses me out, because I fear the comment, “Watching your weight” will slip out.
I have to live in the light and be who I am. Loving one means loving all of oneself, especially the parts that are a work in progress. It means being okay with my behaviors and owning them. Instead of tossing the pizza, I should have ate it and smiled, "Yeah I'm loading up on carbs." As I continue this journey I must remember that I am perfect in my past, current, and future physical states and that I should love who I am no matter what the scale says.
Today’s What I Like about me Thought:
I’m a good friend. I just need to make sure to be a good friend to me!
Today’s Food:
Breakfast – Strawberries, Banana, and cup of Cheerios
Lunch – PB&J on Whole Wheat, Baby Carrots, and a single serving of Gold Fish Crackers
Dinner – Unknown at this time
Snacks – A Coke Zero, Half a serving of Cinnamon Almonds, JELLO Pudding Cup
Today’s Exercise:
20 minutes lunch time Power Walk with Milo
10 minute tug play session with Milo after work
90 minute Flow II Yoga class at Kava
Today’s Treat:
A hot bubble bath at the end of the day!
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI love how honest you are, it is so refreshing!
Honestly, I cannot believe that woman - she is clearly compensating for something herself - no one is that rude for no reason. You are doing a great job and honestly you look GREAT! I am so impressed every time I see your updates about your boxing and eating healthy. Trust me, you are working out MUCH more than the average American and it is showing! No matter what you look like or what the scale says there will always be something (ugh) to let yourself feel self-conscious about. I personally don't know many people who look in the mirror and think - "PERFECT!" :) haha I always tell myself - everyone has areas of improvement and I am doing my best in my areas or putting them on the to-do list because lets be honest, one at a time is really quite enough :)
You are doing a great job and have no reason to feel self-conscious over a slice of pizza or chocolate cake or anything else - you worked those calories off later I am sure! :)
You're a doll! Thank you so much!
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