"Does this make me look fat?" Compliments do not equal Motivation

I didn’t start my journey with anyone else in mind, except for me. Why is it then that others play such a pivotal role in this journey for me? Let’s face it I LOVE a good compliment. There isn’t anything that brightens my day more then someone saying, “You look amazing!” I get all giddy as I go to my Facebook page and see comments about how fantastic I look in newly uploaded pictures. There is an extra jump to my step after someone at work says, “Hey slim! Looking good.” It’s like a big cup of coffee, perking my spirits and resolve.




However, the opposite is true. During Christmas my mother and stepfather said, “You look great, but you might want to work on your arms.” I gasped as I gazed down at my arms. They wave like a flag; the flag of Fat Guy Land. I have long avoided sleeveless clothing or even short sleeves. My arms were covered at all times, not wanting the flag to fly. At Christmas I wore a short sleeve shirt, soon after the comment I covered my arms up feeling shameful. I focused lots of time and energy researching the best workouts to tone my arms so that they did slap back at me as I waved goodbye. Boy did I work my arms.



I have seen progress; my arms slowly (like syrup dripping out of a bottle) have started to shape into a small flag for fellow Fat Guy Land residents to salute. The moral of this story isn’t that I learned how to tone my arms. It’s that I was slipping into having this journey be influenced by others; rather than myself. I was living my life for the praise and criticism of others. Being told I looked wonderful at my mother’s wedding made me smile for days, while my father not noticing any of my change at Christmas made me frustrated. My stepdad once asked me, “Why is that so important to you?”



Why is it? I realize that growing up fat I was in my own twisted version of American’s Next Top Fat Model in which the world around me; friends, family, and others, were judging how I looked in person, on the runway (school, work, college…etc), and in photographs. My entire life had been steeped in the image cultivated by those around me. My perception of myself and my self-worth was intertwined in how others saw me.



This isn’t an earth shattering revelation. So many of us find ourselves living our journey; taking different twists in the road, based on our interaction with others. We are social creatures after all. I wouldn’t dare say that being aware of this doesn’t make me still gush when I am complimented or anguish when I am not. It will always be a part of me. However, realizing this allows me an opportunity to re-connect with my initial motivation; doing this for myself. It is about me. It is about my health. It is about how I feel. It is about how I see myself. By losing site of this I lose my true motivation. Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t tell me how fantastic I look. After all everyone loves a little praise and flattery. It just means that I am reframing compliments as a bonus or a symptom of my overall journey. So, today as I sweated away the day in a 45 minute Yoga session I remember that this is about me.