Through the darkness

I sat in a dark room on Saturday with a Pilates Instructor calling out positions that were foreign to me.  Panic stricken eyes searched for light to guide the way through the darkness.  The only light shined from the door; escape.  I felt lost.  I could feel that clump in my throat building as I pushed back the tears.  Sitting there motionless I tried to use telepathy to tell the instructor, “I have RP and my rods don’t pick up the wee bit of light in this room; therefore, I have night blindness.  HELP!”  My telepathic screams fell on deaf ears.

Blind and lost I went towards my only salvation; the light of the door.  I could hear voices, “Did she just walk out of palates?”  I was humiliated.  My heart anchored down with the pain of mortification.  I vowed, “I’ll never take that class again,” as I jumped onto the comfort of the elliptical.  For 30 minutes I pounded out my frustration.  The sting of salty, sweaty tears stung my eye, burning the shame of what happened into my memory.

It’s been a few days since the embarrassment of Saturday’s Pilates Class.  Today as I did one of my many familiar circuit training routines it hit me that we’re all blind during this journey.  At some point on the weight loss journey we each sit blindly, pushing back tears, and vowing, “Never again!”  It may happen in the beginning, middle, or down the path.  However, it happens to each of us.  We feel helpless and search for the light of certainty.  

It’s a universal experience that can derail our journey.  Whether its feeling lost in the middle of a plateau period, not knowing where to begin, or searching for the strength to pull through, it happens to each of us.  As someone with a visual impairment I spend much of my life walking blindly.  However, with my trusty cane Pedro (yep, I named him) I can find my way through the darkness.  We each need a cane to help us get through the darkness of hopelessness, uncertainly, embarrassment…etc on this journey.  That cane could be a work out DVD, a work out buddy, a healthy cooking recipe book, a blog, a friend, a dog to go walking with each night…etc.  It could be whatever helps us along the path.

Today I realized this blog is my cane.  It helps guide me.  It helps me reflect on this journey and orient myself to my life’s journey.  So, in that moment of darkness find your cane to guide you through.  Remember it’s not a crutch, because you’re holding it.  It’s in the power of your hands, guiding by the many skills you have deep inside.

I'll be going back to that class, using my voice, and trying again.  Part of the journey through the darkness is creating new paths, not just embracing the familiar.

Got a case of the "if onlys?"

“If I only had time…” is a common phrase sighed throughout the world.  “If I only had time I would exercise more.”  “If I only had time I would run a 5k.”  “If I only had time I would make a meal instead of driving through KFC.”  “If I only had time I would make take a walk at lunch instead of eating vending machine potato chips.”  If I only…

I am quite sure we could string together a War and Peace sized book of “If only I had time.”  Perhaps, that will be the name of our autobiographies?  Wouldn’t be a very interesting story, would it?  It would be a painful read of prolonged self-denial and unfulfilled dreams.  I  have often lived my life in a state of “…if only.” 

Like so many I would think about those many things that would be good for me or bring me pleasure, only to cast them aside with the notion that I didn’t have time.  Really?  I didn’t have time for me?  I was making excuses.  It’s sometimes easier to dream of what could be, rather than make it happen.  It’s really much easier than we think.  When life is stressful and work deadlines loom it feels much easier to push aside those things.  “I’ll go to the gym next week.”  “I’ll make time for lunch tomorrow.”  We make lots of promises to ourselves that we do not keep.

Hit that gavel and make your sentence; I am just as guilty of this as anyone.  Each day I am faced with a series of choices on whether time is my master or am I its master?  I realize that if I push everything back, denying myself a healthy and happy life due to time that the time will never come.  I have to make it come.  It takes a great deal of work.  It takes getting up early in the morning to work out.  It takes sacrificing my lunch spent on a conference call or working on the computer to the sunshine and fresh air of a well-deserved afternoon walk.  It takes unfolding my yoga mat in the middle of my office while on a conference call to do yoga stretching on calls (can’t imagine how many times I’m asking a question, while in downward facing dog!). 

It’s a lot of effort to make master time, but it’s worth it.  The benefits of mastering time; self awareness, self discipline, self rewarding, stress reduction….etc.  The “if onlys” still creep in.  They overcame me yesterday, but today is another day.  Today I mastered my time to do Yoga during my afternoon Conference Call, take a ten minute walk during my lunch, and end the day with an evening stool and a treat of five dollar eye brow waxing (love this shop!). 

It’s important to be the master of our own time, it’s the only way we have time for ourselves.  Perhaps, this is the most important lesson on this journey.

Workout today:  60 minutes of Yoga Stretching, 10 minute power walk, and 20 minute stroll

Food:  Bowl of Special K, Apple, Grapes, Single Serving of Almonds, Peanut Butter and Honey Sandwich on toasted whole wheat bread, fish sandwich on whole wheat English muffin, cut up cucumber, cut up bell pepper, small piece of brownie, junior size p-nut smoothie from Robek’s Juice Bar, and eight glasses of water

Lesson:  It’s okay not to answer the phone

Giving Myself to Myself

Our worlds can be all-consuming.  We focus so much of our time, energy, and selves in the needs of others; bosses, friends, family, church, community…etc.  Often the last person we spend any of our much needed time, energy, and self on is our self.  I’ve said this time and time again that this journey is about me.  This is me indulging for myself.  This is my lifelong present to me.

Each day I am making choices to put myself first and give back all I give to me.  It’s okay and it’s not selfish.  If we don’t do these things, we’ll be no good to anyone else.  Those priorities we have will never be met without giving our self to our self.  This means taking care of you.  Make sure you get to enjoy your meals.  Choose healthy/yummy foods.  Make a meal, light a candle, and drink water out of a fancy wine glass.  Wine and dine yourself; so-to-speak.  Take yourself for a walk in the park.  Play yourself your favorite record. 

We so often forget to “romance” ourselves (pause for inappropriate giggles).  I thought of that today after spending eight hours at work without stopping for a break for lunch.  I was tired.  I was stressed.  My body ached.  My stomach grumbled.  My eyes sagged.  The moment the day was over I realized it wasn’t the work that drained me; it was me.  I didn’t give myself any of myself all day.  I need to make myself a priority. 

Back on Track...

Whenever I stop blogging about my weight loss journey I seem to lose myself.  Well, I seem to get lost.  My blog gives me direction.  It holds me accountable.  When I would rather sit lazily in the middle of a field smelling the roses then kicking up dust along this path, my blog helps pull me up.  For the last several months I have been delinquent at keeping up with my blog as well with my weight loss journey.

I haven’t stopped my journey, just have taken many a rest stop over the last few months.  There really isn’t an excuse.  Rather there really shouldn’t be an excuse.  This is a lifelong journey and excuses only allow not following my path make sense.  It reasons setting camp up in the middle of that field and not progressing.  Excuses.  Excuses.  Excuses.

Enough said.  No more excuses!  I vow to continue with my blog and tell my story; my lifelong story of this journey.  I need your help; though, if I go more than a day without posting pester me!  Yell at me.  Remind me to use this blog for my own advantage; helping guide and keep me accountable on this journey.

So, I’ve been hitting the gym steadily for nearly two weeks.  At least five days a week I am taking full advantage of all the gym has to offer.  My diet has been pretty good.  Oh, I still indulge, but my diet is well rounded.

Today’s work out:  20 minutes HIIT on the Elliptical, 20 minutes weight training focusing on shoulders and triceps, 20 reps of 10 different abs exercises, 20 minutes of HIIT bicycle, and 15 minutes of Yoga stretching

Today’s food:  Two pieces whole wheat toast with peanut butter, single serving almonds, apple, cut up cucumber, 4 pieces of low sodium turkey meat rolled up, bowl of special k vanilla almond cereal, single serving of whole grain goldfish crackers, half cup of brown rice with turkey bacon mixed in, single serving of grapes, and two cups steamed mixed veggies (green beans, corn, peas, and carrots), cup of English Tea black, and eight glasses of water

Today’s Lesson:  Have faith in the ability/knowledge of other’s