Sacrificing for Me

With my eyes refusing to open and face the glow of the light bulb I drag myself out of bed each weekday at 4:20 a.m. My aches to snuggle back beneath the shelter of my blanket listening to the quiet hum of Liam’s breath as he remain asleep for additional two hours. I mumble something about this is for me as I pull on my workout clothes and cue up the DVD.




For the next 40 minutes I belong to whichever instructor I have chosen as my guide. Will it be high intense interval training (HIIT) with Jillian Michaels, circuit training with Bob Harper, or Flow Yoga with Cindy Whitmore? Whoever my trainer for that morning I am sure to end the work out gasping in a sweaty pile on the floor, reaching for a tall cold glass of water.



This is my morning ritual. Each day I pull myself out of bed and dedicate 40 minutes of my day to me. Think about your life. How much time during the day do you dedicate to you; to do something good for you? I am a Licensed Social Worker by training; therefore, professional trained to be that supporting influence in other’s lives. Also, I am a woman and program through years of gendered messages to care for others over myself. It may see why obesity issues play havoc of women, who are so commonly the caregivers in the lives of others.



I see my daily workout as time for me. During the work out I can let my mind shut off or I can dive into deep reflection. However, I spend the 40 minutes they are dedicated to me and me alone. I do not have to assist a coworker with an assignment, make dinner for anyone, be my mother’s shoulder, or listen to a friend. It’s not that I do these things begrudgingly. I love helping, encouraging, and supporting others. It appears to be genetic written into every fiber of my being.



However, I understand that giving of ourselves often lives little to none for us. It’s important to mark out time for ourselves. So often I hear people say, “I don’t have time to cook a healthy meal,” or “I don’t have time to work out.” This factor of time controlling their lives, rather than they controlling their time, is lost on them. Yes, we all lives in a world with days long to do lists. Although, how will be get any of those things done if we don’t take care of ourselves? Ask yourself who will take on your to do list when you are gone?



The truth is unhealthy lifestyles; the art of not taking time out for what is important for us, leads to a slue of consequences. We are more tired, deal with more health related issues, sluggish, trouble sleeping, unhappy…etc. The list can go on and on and on. Each day I start my morning off sacrificing my time for me. We so often sacrifice our time for others, why not ourselves? Why not take the time each day and dedicate it to your health. Use it to take a walk, work out, or cook a healthy meal v. getting that burger through your local fast food joint.



It’s okay to be a selfish, especially when it will enable you to rejoice and remain that support to friends and families. It’s what I tell myself each day as I catch my breath between workout moves. I am doing this for me so I can be a good friend, girlfriend, coworker, daughter, sister, aunt, and overall Melissa. Sacrifice the time for you.

Who is that Fat Guy in the mirror?

I never saw myself as fat. I knew I was fat. There fact hadn’t escaped me. I didn’t live in a deep denial that manifested itself in my size 24 trying to wear a size 10 t-shirt. I know those people. I have seen them. They suck in deeply, as if that will cause the excess skin to suck back into their body permanently, as they wear that top that is a size too small. They live in their world of thinking, “It fits.” As long as it fits there is the illusion that they fit and are not… (Roll the “Jaws” music) fat.




I was never one of those people. I clearly knew I was fat. I knew there were only certain stores I could shop in. I wasn’t fooling myself by wearing a bikini that proudly displayed my entire bakery of rolls. However, when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see that fat guy gazing back at me. Those chubby cheeks or double chin didn’t stand out.



Now after losing so much weight, the chin being only one, and those cheeks not-so chubby I finally see that image that once was. As I look in the mirror I know see that fat guy. My perception appears warped. Everyone now and then I get glimpses of my new body. I see the narrowing of my waist, toning of my arms and thinness to my face. Those glimpse, though, are few and far between. Most days I see the image of what was.



It makes me wonder why that image of me still heavier plays so often in my head. Is it an attempt to remind of what was and not to go back? Is it a mild form of body dysmorphic syndrome? Is it that I haven’t changed at all?



Well, I have changed and I haven’t. Though I make healthier choices and put myself first now; something I wasn’t doing when I was heavier, I still remain that fat guy. There are parts of me that will always be that fat guy. I notice it when my mouth waters over a Pizza Hut commercial or how I can carry on an hour long conversation about food. He will always be apart of me.



Seeing that image in the mirror reminds me of that. It doesn’t make me feel bad about my body or me. The image serves as a reminder of needing to continue on with this journey and that what I see in front of me is not the answer. It is how I feel about me and not how I see myself that is most important in this journey. I love me. I feel good about the person I am becoming and the journey I am. Whether I have chubby cheeks or not in the mirror doesn’t change the way I feel.