Mind on my Money....

At the beginning of our weigh loss journey we are intoxicated with motivation.  It seeps throughout out body, taking over all thoughts.  We’re consumed with healthy recipes and an impulse to workout.  Like all drunken states this fades away and the sobering reality of life hits.  How do we maintain that motivation?  How do we life in the reality of a world ripe with distraction?

This is something I struggle with each day.  I have to find motivation each day to do the things that help me along my path.  Much like someone struggling with addiction (really I am struggling with addiction to making bad health choices with my food/exercise habits) I have to take it day-by-day.  I feel like I should break into song here.

Each day is a new challenge to find motivation.  Today it was money.  After a long workday I sat at my office desk thinking about curling up on the couch and watching last night’s “Once Upon a Time.”  That’s all I wanted to do after a long day of frustration and a weekend spent traveling.  I just wanted rest.  I wanted to treat myself.  The last thing that felt like a treat was the gym.  Then I thought of those gym fees.  Every two weeks those gym fees deducted out of my bank account.  I paused thinking of that money being drained from my account for no reason.

So, often I’ve seen friends go months paying for a gym membership they are not using.  That’s money that I could use on groceries, pay the electric bill, or buy myself a present!  That’s money I am wasting on nothing. There is no result.  At least, with a night of binging on frozen yogurt I have a memory of that sweet taste.  With this I have NOTHING.  The idea of my money going to nothing was enough to drag me to the gym.

I got every dollar worth working out for 90 minutes.  It was the motivation that I needed to get me there.  Tomorrow I am sure that I will have to muster up more motivation.  Each day the challenge will be in maintaining the motivation that I was drunk with at the beginning of this journey.  Motivation can be fleeting.  It’s important to remember that and look for new motivation throughout this journey.

Marriage, Babies, Diet?

It feels like all of my friends from high school and college are getting married and having babies.  Wait, it doesn’t feel like that AT all; because it is what’s happening!  What does this have to do with my weight loss journey, you ask?  EVERYTHING! 

This weight loss journey is not separate from the rest of my life.  It’s deeply woven carefully becoming threads holding the fabric of my life’s journey together.  My life’s journey is a quilt of many colors and weight loss is one of those colors.  Weight loss is not a separate life.  It does close me off to the rest of the world.  It doesn’t stop time from marching on.  It doesn’t stop me from still living my life.

That was a fact that hit me as I sweated off 10 miles on the bike at the gym today.  This is a part of my life.  It’s not my life.  It’s not separate.  It’s a part.  So, often when we go on “diets” or start “exercising” we visualize a new life.  We cut ourselves off from our old.  Can’t go out for chicken wings during Monday Night Football.  Can’t do happy hour!  Can’t….can’t…can’t…etc.  We seal ourselves off.  Often we go as far as to diet in secret as if eating healthier and trying to get fit was a shameful practice like being a Cubs Fan (sorry Meghan and Mike). 

When I think of failed diet after diet it was when I lived separate lives.  I was two Melissa’s.  I wasn’t one Melissa rich with shades of color and texture.  I am not the Melissa I am today able to blend all things together into one tapestry of life.

What does this have to do with babies, you say?  Why did I gasp at the notion that everyone is having babies and/or getting married?  No, it’s not that I am 30 and suddenly this mythical clock announced it was time for me to marry and birth offspring.  It’s the idea that so often people say, “you’re life is over,” when you marry and/or have babies.  People talk about their “old” lives.  Now, I realize this is NOT all married and/or parenting folk, but roll with it for the sake of this post.  They talk about a time before.  They are living lives of separation.

Do they lose themselves once married and/or having children?  I would argue that this sometimes happens as does not losing ourselves at all.  We take on these new legs of our life’s journey thinking that we are closing the door on the past.  We can’t unwalk our steps.  Good or bad they are a part of who we are and are becoming.  Legs of our life’s journey are not exclusive.  We can walk many paths, take my routes, and enjoy many sites along this rode. 

It’s all our life.  I realize that.  So, I smile as I see my friends marrying and having babies.  They are adding more brilliant color and texture to their life’s quilt.  As am I with each new piece of silk I pick up along the way. 

Thirty...time to be serious!

I am 30 years old.  Let’s pause for reflection.  Thirty.  THIRTY!  THIRTY!!  Who would have thought I would have gotten there?  In my new found sagedom of being 30 I must ponder the things that I am grateful for.  It feels only fitting.  I must be very serious now; after all, I am 30!

Things I am thankful for at 30:

·         God’s love

·         Liam, my beloved partner/teammate in life’s journey

·         My very bestest/sister-like BFF’s; Meghan and Lishey

·         Pugs, in general.  They make me smile and when life is insane I find a youtube video of pugs does the trick!

·         Turkey; it’s made everything healthy/yummy and helped me increase my protein.  I especially love ground turkey tacos!

·         Chocolate Soy Milk

·         Yoga; helps me ground myself and is a great way over passing a long conference call.  If only coworkers knew I was often in proud warrior in the middle of one of my longwinded comments

·         That I weigh less now then fifteen years ago

·         Crushed up Oreos (because it’s not really an Oreo if it’s crushed up and put on something)

·         Having my own office that allows me to crank and sing loudly and off-key, while running reports and/or answering e-mails

These are just some of the many things that I am thankful for.  Now in my serious decade, I plan to be far more reflective.  I plan to sit and ponder life’s great questions…

***sits thoughtfully and ponders***

Hmmm….pondering is boring!  While my birthday, as do all birthdays, cause us to reflect on the year past, make resolutions, and/or be thankful for the wonderful things in our lives growing older doesn’t mean being more serious.  Being serious doesn’t mean not being fun.  That’s what turning 30 and this journey has taught me.  One can grown, change, and improve without sacrificing fun.  Life is about fun.  The things I am grateful for most are all the little touches that make life fun!

This journey would have ended a long time ago if it wasn’t fun.  If I didn’t take joy in cooking healthier food or treating tweaking a recipe in a way to make it healthier as an adventure!  I would have given up on exercising if I didn’t find ways to liven’ up it by trying new workouts, fun ways of getting into shape, or working out with a friend. 

We’re never too old to infuse a little fun into our lives and into this journey we’re taking.

Making Amends

As I stepped into the sunshine of a warm SoCal Autumn day, pushing back sweat from my workout, my thoughts turned to amends.  No, not making amends to my Northeast Friends who deal with roller coaster weather throughout the fall ‘til they reach that inevitable drop into the depth of winter, while I soak up the warm of consistency of blue skies, sunshine, and soft coastal breezes.  I think of making amends, because that’s what I was doing.  After my mini meltdown during Palates on Saturday I ran into one of the personal trainers from the gym.

“Hey Melissa!  Great to see you.  How’s the work out going?”  He’s face swept over by a large toothy grin.

I was in grips of embarrassment, reaching a fork in the road.  I would either emotional collapse into tears or swallow back the tears with a grumble and run away.  I choose the second.  “Ugh.”  I grumbled and jumped on the elevator to exit the location of my humiliation. 

It wasn’t the most tactful way to handle a very pleasant exchange.  It wasn’t his fault.  I realized that as I was walking away.  Today we met again near the elevator.  He was just as a pleasant.  “I am very sorry for my behavior on Saturday.”  He looked puzzled.  I could tell he had instantly forgotten about it, but I felt the next to explain.

“Thank you.”  He smiled at the end of my confession.  As I parted from the gym I felt much better.  I apologized.  I owned my mistake.  I did not make excuses.  I made amends. 

This is part of my journey.  It’s the unseen realization in this journey.   Making amends is woven into the fabric of my new life.  This journey is allowing me to make amends for years of not taking care of me, putting other’s needs before my own, and living in self-denial and lies.  Each day I make healthy choices I am correcting past wrongs to myself.

Making amends is not about making it up to me.  I’m not sending myself a dozen roses.  I’m not sending myself an “I’m sorry” card.  Rather it is about owning my mistake, embracing it, and making changes in behavior to avoid it happening again.  I won’t live a life of apologizing for past actions, but will focus on implementing behaviors that move forward. 

Self-forgiveness is key in this journey.  Many of us beat ourselves up throughout this journey.  “Why didn’t I do …blah, blah, blah.”  It’s easy to look at the mirror and blame ourselves; far easier to lay blame then enact change.  I did it for years.  The mirror would play judge; holding me accountable with images of squishy blobs of flush poking out of clothing and chins dangling.  Blame just made me feel guilty.  Guilt is not a motivator for change.  It just made me feel bad about myself, which I would then comfort myself with food or partake in a week or two of healthy living, only to fall back into old ways. 

Only when my heart turned to making amends and forgiving myself for the victimization of unhealthy living, did I truly embrace change.  There is a reason why making amends is about of the 12 steps of recovery.  For me; though, I was the true victim of my unhealthy ways.  Therefore, I had to make amends, forgive myself, and continue to grow and change.  Here’s to making amends!

Through the darkness

I sat in a dark room on Saturday with a Pilates Instructor calling out positions that were foreign to me.  Panic stricken eyes searched for light to guide the way through the darkness.  The only light shined from the door; escape.  I felt lost.  I could feel that clump in my throat building as I pushed back the tears.  Sitting there motionless I tried to use telepathy to tell the instructor, “I have RP and my rods don’t pick up the wee bit of light in this room; therefore, I have night blindness.  HELP!”  My telepathic screams fell on deaf ears.

Blind and lost I went towards my only salvation; the light of the door.  I could hear voices, “Did she just walk out of palates?”  I was humiliated.  My heart anchored down with the pain of mortification.  I vowed, “I’ll never take that class again,” as I jumped onto the comfort of the elliptical.  For 30 minutes I pounded out my frustration.  The sting of salty, sweaty tears stung my eye, burning the shame of what happened into my memory.

It’s been a few days since the embarrassment of Saturday’s Pilates Class.  Today as I did one of my many familiar circuit training routines it hit me that we’re all blind during this journey.  At some point on the weight loss journey we each sit blindly, pushing back tears, and vowing, “Never again!”  It may happen in the beginning, middle, or down the path.  However, it happens to each of us.  We feel helpless and search for the light of certainty.  

It’s a universal experience that can derail our journey.  Whether its feeling lost in the middle of a plateau period, not knowing where to begin, or searching for the strength to pull through, it happens to each of us.  As someone with a visual impairment I spend much of my life walking blindly.  However, with my trusty cane Pedro (yep, I named him) I can find my way through the darkness.  We each need a cane to help us get through the darkness of hopelessness, uncertainly, embarrassment…etc on this journey.  That cane could be a work out DVD, a work out buddy, a healthy cooking recipe book, a blog, a friend, a dog to go walking with each night…etc.  It could be whatever helps us along the path.

Today I realized this blog is my cane.  It helps guide me.  It helps me reflect on this journey and orient myself to my life’s journey.  So, in that moment of darkness find your cane to guide you through.  Remember it’s not a crutch, because you’re holding it.  It’s in the power of your hands, guiding by the many skills you have deep inside.

I'll be going back to that class, using my voice, and trying again.  Part of the journey through the darkness is creating new paths, not just embracing the familiar.

Got a case of the "if onlys?"

“If I only had time…” is a common phrase sighed throughout the world.  “If I only had time I would exercise more.”  “If I only had time I would run a 5k.”  “If I only had time I would make a meal instead of driving through KFC.”  “If I only had time I would make take a walk at lunch instead of eating vending machine potato chips.”  If I only…

I am quite sure we could string together a War and Peace sized book of “If only I had time.”  Perhaps, that will be the name of our autobiographies?  Wouldn’t be a very interesting story, would it?  It would be a painful read of prolonged self-denial and unfulfilled dreams.  I  have often lived my life in a state of “…if only.” 

Like so many I would think about those many things that would be good for me or bring me pleasure, only to cast them aside with the notion that I didn’t have time.  Really?  I didn’t have time for me?  I was making excuses.  It’s sometimes easier to dream of what could be, rather than make it happen.  It’s really much easier than we think.  When life is stressful and work deadlines loom it feels much easier to push aside those things.  “I’ll go to the gym next week.”  “I’ll make time for lunch tomorrow.”  We make lots of promises to ourselves that we do not keep.

Hit that gavel and make your sentence; I am just as guilty of this as anyone.  Each day I am faced with a series of choices on whether time is my master or am I its master?  I realize that if I push everything back, denying myself a healthy and happy life due to time that the time will never come.  I have to make it come.  It takes a great deal of work.  It takes getting up early in the morning to work out.  It takes sacrificing my lunch spent on a conference call or working on the computer to the sunshine and fresh air of a well-deserved afternoon walk.  It takes unfolding my yoga mat in the middle of my office while on a conference call to do yoga stretching on calls (can’t imagine how many times I’m asking a question, while in downward facing dog!). 

It’s a lot of effort to make master time, but it’s worth it.  The benefits of mastering time; self awareness, self discipline, self rewarding, stress reduction….etc.  The “if onlys” still creep in.  They overcame me yesterday, but today is another day.  Today I mastered my time to do Yoga during my afternoon Conference Call, take a ten minute walk during my lunch, and end the day with an evening stool and a treat of five dollar eye brow waxing (love this shop!). 

It’s important to be the master of our own time, it’s the only way we have time for ourselves.  Perhaps, this is the most important lesson on this journey.

Workout today:  60 minutes of Yoga Stretching, 10 minute power walk, and 20 minute stroll

Food:  Bowl of Special K, Apple, Grapes, Single Serving of Almonds, Peanut Butter and Honey Sandwich on toasted whole wheat bread, fish sandwich on whole wheat English muffin, cut up cucumber, cut up bell pepper, small piece of brownie, junior size p-nut smoothie from Robek’s Juice Bar, and eight glasses of water

Lesson:  It’s okay not to answer the phone

Giving Myself to Myself

Our worlds can be all-consuming.  We focus so much of our time, energy, and selves in the needs of others; bosses, friends, family, church, community…etc.  Often the last person we spend any of our much needed time, energy, and self on is our self.  I’ve said this time and time again that this journey is about me.  This is me indulging for myself.  This is my lifelong present to me.

Each day I am making choices to put myself first and give back all I give to me.  It’s okay and it’s not selfish.  If we don’t do these things, we’ll be no good to anyone else.  Those priorities we have will never be met without giving our self to our self.  This means taking care of you.  Make sure you get to enjoy your meals.  Choose healthy/yummy foods.  Make a meal, light a candle, and drink water out of a fancy wine glass.  Wine and dine yourself; so-to-speak.  Take yourself for a walk in the park.  Play yourself your favorite record. 

We so often forget to “romance” ourselves (pause for inappropriate giggles).  I thought of that today after spending eight hours at work without stopping for a break for lunch.  I was tired.  I was stressed.  My body ached.  My stomach grumbled.  My eyes sagged.  The moment the day was over I realized it wasn’t the work that drained me; it was me.  I didn’t give myself any of myself all day.  I need to make myself a priority. 

Back on Track...

Whenever I stop blogging about my weight loss journey I seem to lose myself.  Well, I seem to get lost.  My blog gives me direction.  It holds me accountable.  When I would rather sit lazily in the middle of a field smelling the roses then kicking up dust along this path, my blog helps pull me up.  For the last several months I have been delinquent at keeping up with my blog as well with my weight loss journey.

I haven’t stopped my journey, just have taken many a rest stop over the last few months.  There really isn’t an excuse.  Rather there really shouldn’t be an excuse.  This is a lifelong journey and excuses only allow not following my path make sense.  It reasons setting camp up in the middle of that field and not progressing.  Excuses.  Excuses.  Excuses.

Enough said.  No more excuses!  I vow to continue with my blog and tell my story; my lifelong story of this journey.  I need your help; though, if I go more than a day without posting pester me!  Yell at me.  Remind me to use this blog for my own advantage; helping guide and keep me accountable on this journey.

So, I’ve been hitting the gym steadily for nearly two weeks.  At least five days a week I am taking full advantage of all the gym has to offer.  My diet has been pretty good.  Oh, I still indulge, but my diet is well rounded.

Today’s work out:  20 minutes HIIT on the Elliptical, 20 minutes weight training focusing on shoulders and triceps, 20 reps of 10 different abs exercises, 20 minutes of HIIT bicycle, and 15 minutes of Yoga stretching

Today’s food:  Two pieces whole wheat toast with peanut butter, single serving almonds, apple, cut up cucumber, 4 pieces of low sodium turkey meat rolled up, bowl of special k vanilla almond cereal, single serving of whole grain goldfish crackers, half cup of brown rice with turkey bacon mixed in, single serving of grapes, and two cups steamed mixed veggies (green beans, corn, peas, and carrots), cup of English Tea black, and eight glasses of water

Today’s Lesson:  Have faith in the ability/knowledge of other’s

Tomorrow Never Comes

“I’ll start tomorrow.” We’ve all uttered those words. I do! I did! I probably will. Here’s the dirty little secret we NEVER tell ourselves; tomorrow never comes. It keeps getting pushed back and back and back…etc.




I spent my entire life with “tomorrows.” I would start my diet on New Year’s Day. I would start working out after the semester was over. I eat healthier when at lunchtime when I finished this next big project. Pretty soon my calendar was full of dates with myself that I kept pushing back.



I wasn’t making myself a priority. I didn’t realize that health wasn’t something to schedule for the future, but something to act upon right now. I still remember that first day on my journey. There was still a bag of chips in the house. I thought, “Oh I’ll snack on them every now and then. I’ll follow the serving size…blah.” About the third trip to refill the bowl I looked at my hands, covered in chip grease. That old nagging though whispered, “Tomorrow.”



There in my kitchen with a bag of BBQ Chips to witness I came to a crossroads. Would I continue to deny myself the date with healthy living or would I seize today? Obviously, I seized today. I tossed the entire bag in the trash. I avoided the Miranda Hobbs’ moment and DID NOT pull said bag out of the garbage and reconsume. I scooped out the trash and took it out.



Tomorrow would never come, but today was here. If I wanted a string of todays I had to stop promising myself a tomorrow and begin taking today. By taking today I made myself a priority. I told myself that I was important enough to make time for and to care for. Each day I have to remember this. Each morning when I start my day with a workout, take a 15 minute break to walk outside, do yoga during a conference call (my coworkers are laughing as they read this), or choose a healthier lunch I am giving myself today. It’s a struggle, but it also allows me a life without day planners with pushed back appointments.

Favorite Form of Torture

When I was an “in-denial fat guy” I use to look at exercise as torture. The image of a chubby Melissa chained to the treadmill forced to run for hours with a hostess cupcake dangling just out of reach would come to mind. Indeed that was the only way I was going to religiously hit the gym. I hate running. I hate jogging. I hate treadmills. Those forms of exercises are torture in my mind. Still are.




The idea of running equaling working out is common. When we think about working out we picture running. Images of the gym are rows of petite blondes with bouncy ponytails marathoning (I have officially invented this word) on the treadmill. Secretly I want to unplug the machines in my fantasy.



So, at nearly 300lbs and 27 the idea of hitting the torture house with these Barbie doll clones was not my idea of fun. Nobody is going to stick with something if it isn’t fun. Even the deep fried brain of a fat guy in denial understood this. If I wanted to embrace exercise and truly integrate it into my life I had to find one that worked for me.



That’s the secret to sticking with an exercise plan. We don’t have to make ourselves fit the exercise plan, but find one that works with us. Once we find the good fit, we’re unstoppable. I found my match in Yoga. That quiet Sunday I switched over to the Exercise on Demand feature and scrolled through the options. First, was some kick butt cardio blast with Jillian. I wanted to die or cry. How could I stick with this? It was not fun, at first. I needed something fun; something that didn’t feel like work. I clicked on Yoga with Tom Morley. Bam! I was hooked.



It was a cardio based Yoga that blended movement with the stretching of Yoga. I felt energized. I felt sore, but in a good way. The sweat that poured down felt more like tiny badges of honor. It was like playing kick ball with friends in Elementary School. I didn’t realize I was doing something good for me. I was having fun.



I incorporated this fun into my life. I started off with two days, then three, and finally five. I used this fun to propel me to other workouts. In a way Yoga was my gateway drug. It opened up my perception of exercise allowing me to embrace other practices that would benefit me. I still hate the treadmill and avoid it when I hit the gym. I realized that I didn’t have to conform to what those bouncy ponytails where doing.



The trick to exercise is not working out, it’s having fun. Find what fun is for you and incorporate into your life. You’ll be doing something fun and treating yourself at the same time.

Fat Guy Porn

After returning home yesterday I found myself laying flat on my belly, the hands holding up my chin as my eyes gazed up at the television in pure ecstasy. The Cooking Channel featured chocolate on their “Unique Sweets” show. My mouth watered at the anticipation of each dish displayed and described in a way to invoke seduction of the viewer. Soon I found myself craving to dip everything in chocolate, even Liam. He laughed sitting on the couch as I eyed each dish like a ravenous dog.




“This like porn for fat people,” he joked. This morning as I looked up the different restaurants featured on the show I realized it was! It was someone watching pornography, getting turned on, and then finding a way of “releasing” themselves. My way of relieving myself was a piece of toast smothered in Nutella and planning to visit one of those restaurants while in Chicago for the Holidays.



It is almost pornographic they way we depict food in this culture. We are seduced by food. We use the same language about food as we do about sex. We crave. We cheat. We etc… Just think about it. Sex and food at so closely aligned in this culture. They are the basic needs of this culture, to eat and to reproduce through sexual activity. Both experiences have been cheapened or given an extreme price. Both leave us with a mixture of feelings. Both make fill or distract us.



So the idea of being seduced by food to fulfilling a longing deep inside isn’t that far fetched if we think about it? In fact chocolate releases the same chemical in the brain that is released during climax (medical fact). That might explain the endless love affair women have had with chocolate; the kindness and most unforgiving of partners. Chocolate is that bad boy, so smooth and sweet in the moment, only to leave us heart broken as we try to zip up our jeans the next morning.



This love affair we have with food can be seen in all aspects of our culture. Whether it’s the cheap and tawdry trysts like the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest and “Man v. Food” or the expensive four course romances at the finest restaurant. The truth is we’ve all been seduced by food. I know I have.



The trouble is how do we resist the temptation? It’s like trying to break up with the guy that we know is so wrong for us, but we keep sneaking off in the middle of the night to meet up with. Although, just like in those cases it’s not the seducer that is the enemy, it’s us. How do we handle the temptation? How do we not loose ourselves to food?



Part of me wants to crawl back into the unforgiving arms of indulgence, living in a self-imposes delusion of the truth. However, each time I slip into that affair again, I find myself losing the greatest love of all; my self. How do we create a healthy relationship with food, while still enjoying those little trysts? This is a question I will struggle with and continue to do so.

Leading

Tomorrow I am co-hosting a “Walk/Roll” event at my office. It’s in conjunction with one of our Medical Centers that does a Wellness Event where staff and patient walk a 2k. It’s about getting out there and moving. As the Network Office we are participating, serving as the leaders we should be. It really got me thinking about being a leader v. follower.




With taking charge of one’s health, it’s all about taking the lead. You’re no longer following blindly hoping not to tumble down the steps. By taking charge of my health it’s like a person with a visual impairment learning to use the guide cane. It puts them on a new journey of endless possibilities. They may not see what’s a head of them, but they have the tools to get there.



That’s the trick about getting healthy; it’s about learning to use the tools to help you get there. Where’s there? It really isn’t a destination, because this journey will never, truly, end. The moment we say, “I’m done,” we lose. We stop moving forward.



I don’t want to stop moving forward, watching others lap me. I want to lead my journey and discover to paths and adventures.

The Downside of going Down

There are many, many positive things about this journey. I rave about the numerous benefits of losing weight over and over again. I am like a “get healthy” broken record. However, if I paint this journey in shade of rose color I am not doing it or myself justice. The truth is, while there are many positives, there are a few negatives about this journey. Let’s face the negative, while embracing the positive. Here are the negatives that I have faced since starting this journey:




(1) My breasts have gotten smaller. Yes, the loss in width is much appreciated. However, as I stuffed myself into a sports bra the other day I remarked, “They are smaller.” Yes, the cup size has been gradually shrinking as I shrink. It’s causing me to re-examining my status as a large chested lass and finds other parts of my physique to incorporate into my style.



(2) Buying new clothes! Though there is no illegal/legal high that compares to pulling on a size smaller pair of jeans or buying a dress in a store other than Lane Bryant (and not in their plus size section), this need to buy new clothing begins to add up. I work in an office in which I have to be dressed professionally, so dressing well is a part of the job. Therefore, I can’t rock a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt that are two sizes too big. Sigh, if only I embraced this journey while in college. I could have gotten through two years in a hoodie and sweatpants only to reveal my new figure during my junior year.



Those appear to be the negatives that I have come to grips with during my journey. However, the positives surely outweigh (no pun intended) the negative. I find the humor in the negative consequences in this journey. It’s kind of refreshing to have these problems vs. diabetes, hypertension, COPD, heart disease, and any manner of medical conditions that would have been in my future if I remained in the Fat Guy lane.

A Journey with Sam Ganges

For the last three months I have been up every weekday at 4 a.m. to sweat away in the dark coolness of early morning. My muscles are gently awaken by the slowness of a yoga a.m. routine, only to be jolted by Jillian Michaels. Then it’s 200 crunches with Tony Horton. After that my morning begins. It’s my time for me. Alone in the darkness I sweat away all signs of sleep to find myself awake and ready for the day.




This morning ritual hasn’t changed; however, a new one seems to be taking hold at night. Liam is my partner in all meanings of the word. He too embraces this journey, encouraging me every step of the way. The last two nights we’ve been hitting the gym together. I call it my bonus workout. Though I will not relinquish my mornings sweating in solitude, these evenings workouts provide me with the emotional bonus one needs on this journey; support. As the sweat cascaded down, the salt stinging my eyes, Liam’s voice saying, “You’re doing great baby,” whispered in my ears. Through the deep breaths I smiled; one of those full faced smiles. We hadn’t spoken for thirty minutes. He was on the treadmill jogging; I was finishing my cardio circuit on the bike. Even though our minds drifted inwards, I knew he was there with me. Liam was providing me with the support and encouragement we all need.



It made me think of the importance of friendship on this journey. Our relationships with others propel us into greatness. You don’t have to be a Psychologist to understand that concept. We are social creatures and thrive with interaction with others. The social side of our lives largely impacts the personal. Why else do we so a group of heavy female friends or a heavy set couple? Why else does an obesity issue run in families? It’s not simply genetic. That would be far too simplistic of an answer. Then we could learn to target the “fat” gene and create a genetic antidote. I would argue that the social is a huge reason for the lifestyles that we live. Family, friend, lovers, coworkers…etc all have a large impact on the choices we make. We can say we’re immune and are our own person…blah blah…and we are. We are our own person, able to make our own choices. However, it’s important to site the impact others have on our lives.



Nobody ever truly loses weight on their own. It’s important to embrace and see the strength gained through sharing your journey with others. Friends can hold you accountable, support you, or encourage you. Today I leered like a hungry tiger at a chocolate cupcake with peanut butter frosting. “Can a cupcake be lunch?” I asked Liam. He smirked and said, “What would Jillian Michaels say?” Enough said. I needed that reality check, which he supplied in making a good choice. It just illustrates my point of welcoming companions on your journey, the helpful kind like Sam Ganges from “Lord of the Rings” that will push you to do the right thing.

Liam and I enjoying a dinner out

Telling Lies

Justifications always creep up, whenever we want them to. We keep them hidden in our back pocket to pull out at a moment’s notice. “I have had a tough day.” “I am celebrating.” “I woke up this morning.” Whatever it takes to justify our “bad” behavior of not working our or eating healthy.




It’s easier to say, “I deserve this,” than face the truth: the justifications are lies we tell ourselves. That’s the truth; they are lies. It’s much easier to doll up those lies with the bow of justification, when the truth is these are excuses. These excuses cause us to stray from our journey, taking a detour in a truck stop with no redemption. Before you know it your bellied up to the counter with the only level of exertion is pouring gravy over everything.



This seems a rather melodramatic scene; however, it is a very real consequence. We utilize these “justifications” over and over again. We begin to turn to bad behavior each time things go good or bad. Chocolate becomes our treat for waking up or refuge for a typo. It’s important to reframe how we look at celebrating success or handling bad moments; often food or taking time off mark these good and bad moments. A cake is purchased to celebrate a new job. A pint of ice cream wipes away our tears after a fight with our significant other. Wrapped up in a blanket on the couch watching a sappy movie feels like the best medicine after a tense-filled day.



While these all feel like the answers, they are not the best answers for solving the many questions that pop up during our journey. It’s important to begin to look at those lies we tell ourselves to justify bad choices and look at new answers. Perhaps, a short walk to clear your head after a tense-filled day, maybe a night out dancing to celebrate that raise, or a kickboxing class with a good friend to get out that aggression over a breakup.



Whatever the celebration or sadness that arise, don’t diminish the happiness or add to the sadness by straying off your path. The lies we tell ourselves only continue the fat guy delusion leading to unhealthy choices/consequences.

Celebrating Tiny Victories!

Often we get caught up in the bigger picture and forget the details, when it comes to our weight loss journey. We inhale loudly as we climb on the scale and hold our breath waiting for the arrow to stop at our number. We stop breathing as if the breath will cause us to weight more. The arrow ceases. Our eyes gaze down and there sits victory, defeat, or stagnation.




Whichever we find we place so much emphasis on that aspect of the journey; the “final” destination. Though it’s important to have goals to reach towards, it’s important to look at pieces of our journey. Did we decrease the amount of sodas we drank during the week? Did we work out more? Did we run ten minutes without stopping? Did we have veggies with our meal instead of French fries? All of these are just as important, if not more, in our weight loss journey.



The truth is some people can eat junk food and lose weight. Losing weight is about watching calories. If the goal is to lose weight and nothing else then you are failing yourself. This journey should be measured by the elements in a healthy lifestyle. It’s important to find the victories in each moment of this journey or else your path will be covered in weeds and fallen branches hindering your journey.



Celebrate those tiny victories throughout the week. The joy will fuel your journey. Tiny flowers of success will line the path as you walk this life-long journey. I have to remind myself to do this each time I step on the scale. I cannot live and die by the scale. This isn’t the Biggest Loser. I am not going to lose a million dollars if I don’t lose weight; however, if I don’t focus on what’s truly important; my health, I will lose me. I will slip back into bad habits. I will beat myself up for being a failure. Failure will lead to me not carrying on in embracing being the best Melissa I am, while honoring the steps I have taken towards that goal.

Sacrificing for Me

With my eyes refusing to open and face the glow of the light bulb I drag myself out of bed each weekday at 4:20 a.m. My aches to snuggle back beneath the shelter of my blanket listening to the quiet hum of Liam’s breath as he remain asleep for additional two hours. I mumble something about this is for me as I pull on my workout clothes and cue up the DVD.




For the next 40 minutes I belong to whichever instructor I have chosen as my guide. Will it be high intense interval training (HIIT) with Jillian Michaels, circuit training with Bob Harper, or Flow Yoga with Cindy Whitmore? Whoever my trainer for that morning I am sure to end the work out gasping in a sweaty pile on the floor, reaching for a tall cold glass of water.



This is my morning ritual. Each day I pull myself out of bed and dedicate 40 minutes of my day to me. Think about your life. How much time during the day do you dedicate to you; to do something good for you? I am a Licensed Social Worker by training; therefore, professional trained to be that supporting influence in other’s lives. Also, I am a woman and program through years of gendered messages to care for others over myself. It may see why obesity issues play havoc of women, who are so commonly the caregivers in the lives of others.



I see my daily workout as time for me. During the work out I can let my mind shut off or I can dive into deep reflection. However, I spend the 40 minutes they are dedicated to me and me alone. I do not have to assist a coworker with an assignment, make dinner for anyone, be my mother’s shoulder, or listen to a friend. It’s not that I do these things begrudgingly. I love helping, encouraging, and supporting others. It appears to be genetic written into every fiber of my being.



However, I understand that giving of ourselves often lives little to none for us. It’s important to mark out time for ourselves. So often I hear people say, “I don’t have time to cook a healthy meal,” or “I don’t have time to work out.” This factor of time controlling their lives, rather than they controlling their time, is lost on them. Yes, we all lives in a world with days long to do lists. Although, how will be get any of those things done if we don’t take care of ourselves? Ask yourself who will take on your to do list when you are gone?



The truth is unhealthy lifestyles; the art of not taking time out for what is important for us, leads to a slue of consequences. We are more tired, deal with more health related issues, sluggish, trouble sleeping, unhappy…etc. The list can go on and on and on. Each day I start my morning off sacrificing my time for me. We so often sacrifice our time for others, why not ourselves? Why not take the time each day and dedicate it to your health. Use it to take a walk, work out, or cook a healthy meal v. getting that burger through your local fast food joint.



It’s okay to be a selfish, especially when it will enable you to rejoice and remain that support to friends and families. It’s what I tell myself each day as I catch my breath between workout moves. I am doing this for me so I can be a good friend, girlfriend, coworker, daughter, sister, aunt, and overall Melissa. Sacrifice the time for you.

Who is that Fat Guy in the mirror?

I never saw myself as fat. I knew I was fat. There fact hadn’t escaped me. I didn’t live in a deep denial that manifested itself in my size 24 trying to wear a size 10 t-shirt. I know those people. I have seen them. They suck in deeply, as if that will cause the excess skin to suck back into their body permanently, as they wear that top that is a size too small. They live in their world of thinking, “It fits.” As long as it fits there is the illusion that they fit and are not… (Roll the “Jaws” music) fat.




I was never one of those people. I clearly knew I was fat. I knew there were only certain stores I could shop in. I wasn’t fooling myself by wearing a bikini that proudly displayed my entire bakery of rolls. However, when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see that fat guy gazing back at me. Those chubby cheeks or double chin didn’t stand out.



Now after losing so much weight, the chin being only one, and those cheeks not-so chubby I finally see that image that once was. As I look in the mirror I know see that fat guy. My perception appears warped. Everyone now and then I get glimpses of my new body. I see the narrowing of my waist, toning of my arms and thinness to my face. Those glimpse, though, are few and far between. Most days I see the image of what was.



It makes me wonder why that image of me still heavier plays so often in my head. Is it an attempt to remind of what was and not to go back? Is it a mild form of body dysmorphic syndrome? Is it that I haven’t changed at all?



Well, I have changed and I haven’t. Though I make healthier choices and put myself first now; something I wasn’t doing when I was heavier, I still remain that fat guy. There are parts of me that will always be that fat guy. I notice it when my mouth waters over a Pizza Hut commercial or how I can carry on an hour long conversation about food. He will always be apart of me.



Seeing that image in the mirror reminds me of that. It doesn’t make me feel bad about my body or me. The image serves as a reminder of needing to continue on with this journey and that what I see in front of me is not the answer. It is how I feel about me and not how I see myself that is most important in this journey. I love me. I feel good about the person I am becoming and the journey I am. Whether I have chubby cheeks or not in the mirror doesn’t change the way I feel.

The Quick and Easy Way

The only way we can get healthy and stay healthy is through good old American hard work. We have to embrace that Protestant Work Ethic that has defined Early Americans. However, Current Americans are not looking for putting in the time and effort. We want the quick and easy fix. Now, this may seem centralistic and it may be; however, I am sure if we truly examine the current American Culture we see evidence of Quick and Easy all around us.


This became evident to me as I sat in a Marriot hotel room at 5:30 a.m. I have been up for an hour and already hit the gym. I sat on the bed eating fruit and drinking a protein shake for breakfast and listening to the TV. Early morning TV is known for its infomercials. I sometimes enjoy those early morning infomercials; however, this morning was one about a quick and easy way of losing weight. In the true fashion of diet pills and lap band surgery this product offers weight loss without having to eat healthy or work out.

Imagine getting the results of the weight melting off without doing ANY of the work? It sounds fantastic, doesn’t it? Not make ANY changes! Don’t learn to make healthy choices! Never learn how to build a healthy lifestyle to serve as a model to your friends and family. You take the easy way out and reap the short term benefits of weight loss without work.

As I sat there after my 30 minute cardio work out, thinking about last night’s Yoga work out, and eating my healthy breakfast I couldn’t help to think about how the last 18 months of my journey would have been like if I just bought this magical product and continued on my pre-healthy lifestyle way? Yes, I may have lost weight, but I wouldn’t have learned good habits. I would have lost the weight; however, continue to eat unhealthy. Little known fact to the general public Skinny People have unhealthy habits that cause them significant health issues like High Blood Pressure, Cholesterol, Heart Disease, and Diabetes. While heavy weight contributes to these conditions a continued unhealthy lifestyle enables these conditions to take hold of an individual. As someone working in health care I have seen thin patients experiencing the same issues as heavy patients.

Taking the easy way out won’t fix the situation. In fact taking the easy way out is how I got into the mess in the first place. After all isn’t it easier to eat WHATEVER I want, not exercise, and not participate in a healthy lifestyle?

So, as I sit here listening to individuals praise the quick fix: the new mantra of the current American people, I wonder how this mentality contributed to me becoming a fat guy? I sit back and wonder at what point will these quick and easy fixes become less attractive; even to me? I would be a liar if I didn’t say I googled the product to find out information on success rates. Even I am seduced by the quick and easy. However, if I embrace that way of thinking I’ll quickly and easily slip back into my fat guy ways.

The Struggle

We all have secrets. Our weight loss journey shouldn’t be one of them. So often we quietly lurk in the shadows hiding our weight loss journey. We secretly change our diet. We think to ourselves about the changes that we need to make. We go alone to the gym or sweat away to a workout DVD when the house is empty.




Whatever the reasons weight loss journeys often feel deeply personal, therefore we tend not to share them. Perhaps, it’s a fear of failure? If we announce we are on a weight loss journey and “fail” our failure burns brightly in the gaze of others. Maybe it’s that any moments of “cheating” are magnified when others know. So, that piece of cake at work or not working out for a week becomes symbols of our failure. If the only one watching is we, it feels easier to slip in and out of that journey. There’s no accountability, not even to yourself.



The issue is we’ve struggled silently alone for years. For those that are heavy we often only share our pain with ourselves and often not even that. Being heavy is, well, heavy. It takes an emotional and physical toll on our overall health. I was always the kind and funny chubby friend. I seldom spoke about the issues with my weight: the impeding medical issues that awaited me if I didn’t change my lifestyle, those rude comments from others, or the feeling of not fitting in a world where fat was mass produced by cultural values of overeating, while ridiculed by that same culture. I hated clothes shopping with girlfriends, because I knew nothing in the store would fit. Rather than embrace my sadness over stores not carrying my size, I would make jokes or spout off theories of fat oppression. These all cloaked a feeling of being alone. I was the one dealing with my weight struggle; alone.



However, I wasn’t alone. In my life were friends and family that truly cared about my health and happiness. They wanted to see me share all of me; even my struggles. I didn’t have to carry the burden of weight alone. When I took those first meaningful steps towards becoming a healthier Melissa I realized I needed to finally let my secret out. It was like standing up at an AA meeting, “Hello, my name is Melissa and I am fat.” I admitted it out loud to others, which allowed me to finally stop hiding it from the world. When we hide our struggles and who we are from the world, we are really attempting to hide it from ourselves. Even though we see glimpses of the truth, until we face it that truth never becomes reality. The moments we share our truth, the world knows, and we accept it.



I shared my struggles with those in my life that truly cared for me. In return I found strength. I found strength in finally being honest. Each day I exchange an e-mail with two of my closest friends: Kate and Meghan that details my diet for that day, struggles on this journey, and activities. Through this process I have found encouragement and accountability. Accountability is another wonderful result of living in the light. When others see our truths they often will walk along our journey with us providing us with the needed second pair of eyes on our map.



I believe that this journey should be done in the open. Share your struggles; your truth. It allows others to finally see all of you, but most importantly it allows yourself to finally see yourself. The struggles are apart of our journey; whatever they may be. I have found great strength in sharing the struggle. None of us need to struggle alone.

Those on the Journey...

I have made NO secret that my journey is guided by those I hold dear. In the last 16 months I have embraced the concept that nobody loses weight truly on their own. This is a journey best made with good people. The last 16 months taught me about my good people; namely who they are.




Believe it or not there are people in your life that might not have as positive of a reaction to your lifestyle changes as you may hope. Seems like a no brainer, right? I get healthy. My health will breed internal happiness. Wouldn’t one assume that light inside me will brighten the world of those around me?



You know what they say about assuming. There is no need to be foul-mouth and spell it out. The changes we make when engaging; truly engaging, in this journey will impact all aspects of our lives. We begin to see the world through different eyes. One cannot make changes without being changed. This may appear a tad melodramatic or far-fetch, but those that have made this change and those that are in the lives of someone making that change can attest to the impact this journey has upon everyone involved.



It was, perhaps, the one thing I didn’t count on. I thought I was just working out, eating right, and overall becoming healthier. The physical; however, changes the emotional. Soon friends saw a change in me. It wasn’t that I was a different person, but there was this new found light that shined ever so brightly; a beckon of change that helped guide those around me to who I was becoming. Becoming more fitting, because I’ll never become but remain on a never ending journey of becoming. Once we mentally become then evolution and continued growth cease and that’s not what I want.



Previous to this journey I was happy and content in my life. I accepted who I was, playing the role of the loyal and constant Melissa. Whenever you looked back I was there, I was always there. Though I embraced life as it was, I did not chase what could be. Those in my life went off on their adventures of becoming; however, embracing the always dependable Melissa waiting to be there. I never felt like a priority to those in my life, just merely the empathetic listener waiting to be called. I felt like Batman, waiting for my chubby-shaped signal to shine through the endless night. “Da Da Da Da Fat Guy!” would announce my arrival as I swooped in beneath the cloak of night to provide the service needed by those in my life.



When you’re content, constant, and dependable stagnation becomes your life. I didn’t realize this. I was happy. I don’t say I thought I was happy, but I felt it. I was happy. I had joy. I had love. However, I lacked love of the journey. I was happy to make camp on the fork waiting for those passing through. It seemed like as good of a place as any to make my home.



Soon, though, the view lost its wonder. When you sit on the sidelines, never joining, the season soon ends. You’re stuck waiting for next season to roll around and play spectator again. Tossing my binoculars down, I throw my bag of popcorn in the trash, and stepped off the bleachers. It was time to join the game.



Spending life watching others is boring. It was time for me to have my own adventure. The last 16 months have been the greatest adventure of my life. With my new found sense of self and embrace of healthy living, I have opened myself up to so much. When you are living and not just live, your heart is open.



However, as I embraced the living Melissa I realized that not everyone appreciated the change. It’s hard to believe this, but some people prefer you to stay on the sidelines. They’ll never say it outright; however, in subtle moments you’ll see glimpses of their attempt to eject you from the game:



 “You don’t need to work out!”

 “You’ve changed.”

 “Remember how you use to always get dessert?”

 “I don’t think your weight loss is healthy.”



Some of their subtle comments may be veiled under backhanded compliments. You’ll notice attempts to get you to backslide into old behaviors. They may pull away from you. They may talk about how you’re not the same person anymore…etc



All this will make you wonder, “Am I?” Of course, you’re not! Change will change you. This isn’t bad, though. Remember when you’re the spectator, there has to be the watched. Sometimes the watched may react to the gaze of others veering away.



As I continue on my journey, I began to see this in some of the people that were in my life. Some of those that I called friends; I started to realize begrudge me my new found light, preferring the cloaked figure of empathetic listening. It wasn’t that I didn’t still listen and my core values of friendship, compassion, and kindness were swept away, but I also demanded equal exchange of those qualities of friendship. I would no longer except less than what I was giving. Embracing healthy living aided in me valuing all aspects of me, including what I deserved in relationships.



Who knew merely working out and eating healthy would help me find myself and my true friends? In the last 16 months I have said goodbye to some, held others more closely, and found strength and laughter in new friends. I share this, because it was an unforeseen lesson in my journey. Those we start this journey with may not make it along each bend in the road and that’s okay, because the one person most important on this journey is you. You will not do it alone, but will learn who will guide you on your path by just embracing your becoming.

There are hills. There are valleys. There are plateaus. At any point in our weight loss/getting healthy journey we’ll hit a plateau. They may be short or stretch for miles. No matter what they’ll cause a level of frustration that may prove damaging to our sense of self and journey.




At some point that scale will stop decreasing, our endurance will seem to pace, our strength will feel stagnant, and overall a feeling of “ughness” will overcome at the idea of steamed veggies and a 60 minute workout at the end of the day. This happens to each of us. It seems to be triggered by the cease of decrease of the dreaded scale. We stand there weighing ourselves in every possible fashion; morning, noon, night, dressed, semi-dressed, naked, hair up, hair down… However, we can manipulate the scale in reading a decreased number. We’re doing all the right things. Our diet remains healthy. Our exercise regime is intact. Simply put, we’ve hit a plateau.



They are apart of the geography of our journey. Any map will foretell our impending arrival to these plateaus. We can attempt to cross rivers, climb mountains, and jump off cliffs; but, alas, our tired feet will land in that plateau. It’s the way our body takes a rest. We’ve been working hard. We’re doing everything right.



I have hit several plateaus in this journey. Some I navigate through rather quickly and soon find resurgence in all the benefits of my health journey; renewed strength, energy, endurance, and weigh loss. Others stretch on for months. Nothing I seem to do shake it. I decrease calories. I increase calories. I go on a no exercise bender for a week. I go on a Fat Guy Food Bender for a few weeks; all done in hopes to jolt the system for my return to un-Fat Guy habits.



While these may seem to work, they are only shocking my system into weight loss. Is that what this journey is all about? I am NOT going to lie. I want to lose the weight. I am 36lbs away from y goal weight. I am 36lbs away. A few weeks away I was 41lbs. However, shouldn’t this be about my health? If I don’t lose the 36lbs, but remain eating healthy and exercising regularly isn’t that victory enough? If I settle this plateau and build a home in a foundation of healthy living, isn’t that what this journey is about?



As I reflect on it, that’s the most important thing. I am still going to work towards my goal to lose these 36lbs and reach a healthy weight; for me. However, I need to remain in a perspective that sees the plateaus as a part of my journey. If I do not maintain this perspective, what are the consequences? The consequences are my dire than the stagnation of the plateau. Wrapping my self worth and the basis of this journey up in the weight loss v. the healthy living will cause the crumbling of the foundation I have worked so hard to build. Extreme tactics, as listed above, may cause me to put my health in danger. After months of not weight loss I may choose to forgo my journey. “Why bother?”



If I choose to reframe these plateaus and my journey, I’ll center it on what it needs to be about; my health and NOT the weight loss. So, I’ll enjoy the picnic of healthy living in my plateau, while I maintain the march ahead.

Pulling that brick along my journey to remind me of the weight (emotional and physical) that we all carry on this journey.

10th Grade Math?

Often we lose our minds and slip into that person we don’t want to be. I have found myself slipping into that calorie obsessed girl, that I once ignored as the sweetness of a piece of milk chocolate melted in my mouth. “Calories…yep…” I would mumble as my taste buds soaked up the luscious flavor. Those girls would be jotted down how many almonds they had and rationing calories like the last drops of water, while set adrift upon an endless sea.




Today as I calculated the number of calories in a peanut butter cookie, trying to decide if I should partake in the office goodies, I called on the forces of 10th grade math trying to percentage out that cookie to fit the complicated calculations of ONLY in taking 1750 calories a day to stick with my plan. Was the cookie worth it? Could I substitute that cookie for my lunch? Should I?



As I sat there rationing how that cookie fit into my dietary needs; “There are eggs, which are protein, in the cookie…” it dawned on me, “When did I become a calorie counter? When did I live and die by how many calories were in something? How did food lose its joy and become a Math lesson?



Now, I am not saying calories aren’t important. It’s VITAL to know what you’re consuming. However, isn’t it more important to take in the WHOLE picture? Yes, I could have broken off a piece of that cookie and indulges in its sweetness or I could have eaten a piece of fresh fruit and some almonds giving me more benefit for those same calories. Should I measure my diet simply by calorie intake? Is 1750 calories a day of all the bad stuff better than 2000 of all the right stuff?



While the fewer calories will help in weigh loss, it won’t help sustain my weight loss. If I am training my mind to measure in calories, I’ll always pick the lower calorie option. That’s not necessarily the best. For example while reduced fat peanut butter has less calories and fat, it removes all the good fat found in regular peanut butter and adds WAY more sugar. Shouldn’t I be stressing less about calories and more about substance?



The answer, of course, is yes. Substance should trump calories any day. If my calories exceed 1750 (not be a HUGE amount) but provide my body with the proper nutrition to fuel my exercise and metabolism isn’t that the most important thing? For the record I did not consume the cookie.



I choose healthy options to make up my eating for today:

Piece of Whole Wheat Toast with Tablespoon Nutella

Soy Milk

8 bottles of water

2 glasses of water

Grande Mint Green Tea Iced

Grande Hot Peppermint Tea (black)

2 Cups Protein Plus Cereal

2 Appels

2 Bananas

Single Serving of Almonds

Yogurt

Cup of Steamed Veggies

Two spoon full of Spaghetti O’s

Grilled Turkey Burger with Swiss (no bun)

Bowl of Chocolate Lucky Charm for a dessert with 2 percent Milk



I found that I had a day full of taste and healthy foods that fueled my body for my day and 40 minute workout. While calories are important, it’s important to measure your diet in more than the total number of calories in something. I need to look beyond the calories. For example that 100 calorie pack of Oreo’s is not going to provide me with the same benefits of those 150 calories of almonds or piece of fruit.



The lesson here is read more deeply into those labels that say Low Fat, Fat Free, or Low Calorie. Read those labels and compare them to the original. You might find that those labels are deceptive in telling you something is good for you remember. Remember 20 less calories might seem good, but what do they add/take away in the other areas? Calorie counting is NOT the answer!

Buttoned?

It’s generally the feared moment in which we realize, “I need to lose weight.  ”We tug and pull at harsh denim willing it over our thighs. We inhale, sucking in every once of fat (praying that it will magically disappear) as our fingers force the button shut. Two destinies await; either the sweet victory of getting those jeans buttoned or the agony of defeat as we attempt to permanently hold the jeans closed with our fingers.




We’ve all been there; the will it fit moment? We’ve had those “Yay!” moments as we slip back into a size smaller and a “Oh no” moment when we barely get those jeans buttoned and remains of the flab flop over the jeans; a white flag of our impeding surrender to the bulge. Today I had the “Oh no” moment. I came home from work happily ready to run errands with Liam. “I just want to put a pair of jeans on.” It was an innocent enough phrase unaware of the horror that lie ahead of me. It was like watching a scary movie. The audience screaming, “Don’t go down there!” I went down there. I pulled a pair of jeans out of the dryer. I had comfortably worn those jeans all weekend. I slipped one leg in, another, and began to pull up…”oh no.” It felt so surreal. I tugged and yanked them up over my thighs. They slowly moved their way upwards and I fought to button them.



Liam stood in the doorway, watching. It was like watching a train wreck. I could tell he wanted to look away, but was mesmerized by the scene. “What the hell?” I exclaimed. I barely could get them buttoned. I flopped to the bed in the guest room, much like a child having a tantrum, and started to cry. I felt like such a failure! “I’ve been working so hard. I am eating everything right. I’m drinking water. I’m working out.” I blubbered. Liam sat beside me, rubbing my back and spouted off anything he could think of to comfort me and explain. “Your weight fluctuates during the day. You weigh more in the evenings. Did you drink enough water? Flush your system out. Your on your period (can’t believe I just shared that, but oh well) and you could be bloated.” He was so sweet.



I felt so cliché, sitting there in tears over a pair of jeans. It really wasn’t the jeans. It was what they symbolized for me; failure. I felt like a failure. Liam left to run those errands; alone. I vented my frustrations by baking yummies that I would NOT partake in. I am living vicariously through coworkers. Instead of eating cookies when depressed, I bake them so others can eat them. Baking helped. Next was on to a 60 minute intense cardio, core, and Yoga workout. Dinner was a bowl of protein cereal, piece of fruit, and six glasses of water.



It really wasn’t the most appropriate response. It was as if I was attempting to magically make those jeans fit by working out extra hard and eating extra well (I eat six small meals throughout the day instead of three big ones, hence the small dinner). The issue here isn’t that I failed. Honestly, I didn’t fail. There could be a million reasons for the jeans; most notably them coming fresh out of the dryer and me being incredibly bloated. I weighed myself and I actually weigh a pound less than I did in the morning. The real issue here is my reaction to a perceived failure and measuring my success in a pair of jeans fitting.



Is that success? No. Yes, slipping into a pair of jeans (a size smaller) feels like victory. It’s not victory. It’s a symptom of victory. The true victory is that I have been eating well and exercising five days a week. The true victory is that I am feeling better. I have more energy. I can feel my endurance, strength, balance, and flexibility are improving. These are the true victories. I can run a mile without stopping; feet I could NOT do in High School. If only Jogging Judy; my High School PE Teacher, could see me now!



This is the lesson from the Jeans Meltdown; success is not measured in denim. So, the next time you struggle to pull that faded blue denim over your thighs, remember it doesn’t define your success or failure. Take it as it is, a pair of jeans not fitting. Then move on from there. Turn those not fitting jeans into fitting jeans with improved diet and increased activity that leads to a healthier you. Give yourself a break. Reframe those barely buttoned jeans into an opportunity to shape you, not just those thighs.



That’s what I hope to do. Let’s see if I can slip them on tomorrow, if not there always sweatpants!  Those sweatpants define my success each day as I pull the sweaty pair off my exercised body! Ok, that was gross. You get what I mean, though.

Sharing Our Stories

This blog began as a way that I could release my feelings and thoughts about weight loss. It was about me utilizing the Blog World to hold being accountable and keeps me on the path. As well, it was about sharing my story.




What I didn’t realize that it was also about me being a good friend; by sharing my story. By standing up and saying, “I am a Fat Guy.” I was letting those that read my words; my friends, do the same. Nobody takes this journey alone. To truly be success in weight loss and remain successful, we need support.



Our journeys are richer with the laughter and cheers of friends. Our journeys find meaning in the stories they tell along the way. Our journey finds guidance in the maps they provide. Our journeys are possible with the resources; love, support, and kindness, they give us.



The last year I have NOT been alone in my journey. I have been able to find my own personal cheerleading squad in my friends and family. They have and continue to cheer me on and I am so very grateful for those in my life that have supported me through this journey.



However, a truth stared me in the face. Have I been doing the same? By not continuing to write my story I was not being a good friend. I slipped into my own world depriving those that call me friend, who look to me for support, guidance, and friendship on their journey. I promise to continue to be there and share my story.



Remember that the biggest tool in your weight loss journey is sharing your story. Share your struggles. Share your joys. Share your sorrow. Share you victories. Share your failures. Share. By sharing you offer support to both yourself and those around you. They gain strength in watching your journey, on their own. Baring witness allows us to grow. If my story has inspired, just think how your story will inspire others.

Me and Kate; one of my workout buddies, who I talk to daily about my diet and exercise

Me, Kate, and Meghan: Both provide me strength, support, and encouragement on my journey

Me and Papa:  He Cheered me on

Liam and Me: He Cheers me on daily and allows me to do what I need to do to be successful

Me and Lishey:  She and I talk about Healthy Eating and Encourage each other on Daily Exercise.  We also laugh A LOT!

Mom and Me:  She's lost 20lbs over the last months.  We are sharing this journey.  She's behind me, as always!

Life Happens

Life is what happens when you’re making plans. I don’t remember who said it. It might have been John Lennon; although, I feel like whenever anyone can’t think of who said some profound quote we give John Lennon the credit. As if he didn’t have enough to do, he sat around saying profound things. Of course, isn’t that what I am trying to do? Although, who am I? I am not ¼ of History’s most popular Music Band. I am just me. I am a girl on a journey; weight loss, getting healthy, discovery, reinvention, or just life.




This is what this journey is about; my life. It’s about enriching my life. It’s about extending my life. It’s about making my life possible. Of course, what I didn’t count on was that life would become the greatest obstacle in my journey.



Inevitably each of us will run into obstacles. Whatever our journey. Something will pop up in our path. I don’t say this to be pessimistic, but realistic. I don’t believe cautious optimism is bad. It allows to us to continue to look forward with hope; however, prepare for what may happen to derail us. It’s preparation, not pessimism. When I think pessimism I think; already giving up. Cautious optimism is hope with a plan. Of course, what happens when the plan fails? What happens when we lose our plan? What do we do without our plan?



One cannot say ‘til they are in that moment. My moment happened over the last several months. I moved hundreds of miles away from my family, friends, home, and life. In a new city living with a new family; my boyfriend Liam, I would start anew. New job. New home. New everything. My plan seemed to slip away. I was in uncharted territory trying to deal with the new.



While trying to deal with and build a new life in Independence, MO I lost pieces of my old life; namely some of the very good habits I had forged through the last year of my journey. I was a little sad and alone. Rather than forging ahead, I wallowed. I slipped back into bad habits. Food became comfort. Granted I wasn’t eating as poorly as I had once been, but indulged far more than I should. Exercise became a long distance lover I only meet once or twice a week.



Then the unthinkable. No, I didn’t gain weight. My life took another unplanned turn. The man I thought would never die, died. My grandfather. He was the most important person in my life. He was my father and best friend. He gave me the strength and support along my journey; my entire journey, not just the last twelve months. On November 12th, the day after Veteran’s day, my own personal hero died. It seems strange to write this, even stranger to stand over his casket and say goodbye.



Though it’s been a few months, I still reach for the phone to call him and tell him about my day. He cheered for me my entire life. He said how proud he was of me, especially in the last twelve months. He said he was happy to see me so healthy, happy, and beautiful. He always said I was beautiful, but seeing the new glow and smile on my face announced my beauty to the world. He loved having the world finally see me as he had always seen me.



What does any of this have to do with weight loss? Perhaps, it doesn’t. Then again, I think it does. Our weight and health is entangled in every aspect of our lives. When we’re happy we gain or lose. The same when we’re sad, angry, or stressed. For the last several months my life has felt out of control. Their has been so many changes, which I have not embraced. I was happy and excited, but not prepared for how it would alter my journey.



Although, that felt like I was blaming life. Things happen. When things happen they happen for a reason. It’s part of my journey, not just an obstacle to get around. It helps me grow and provides me with maps for my continued journey. That’s what I have learned over the last several months. My journey was not derailed or stopped. I am still marching along towards an unknown destination, after all is is about a journey but a destination. So, I’ll enjoy this journey and grow from ALL aspects; good and not-so-good.



That’s what I am doing now. I am back on the path and doing fantastic. I have taken back my good habits to fuel my journey; 5lbs down and feeling great. Here’s to losing 41lbs in 2011 and continuing a life of healthy living!



Thank you.