Who is that Fat Guy in the mirror?

I never saw myself as fat. I knew I was fat. There fact hadn’t escaped me. I didn’t live in a deep denial that manifested itself in my size 24 trying to wear a size 10 t-shirt. I know those people. I have seen them. They suck in deeply, as if that will cause the excess skin to suck back into their body permanently, as they wear that top that is a size too small. They live in their world of thinking, “It fits.” As long as it fits there is the illusion that they fit and are not… (Roll the “Jaws” music) fat.




I was never one of those people. I clearly knew I was fat. I knew there were only certain stores I could shop in. I wasn’t fooling myself by wearing a bikini that proudly displayed my entire bakery of rolls. However, when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see that fat guy gazing back at me. Those chubby cheeks or double chin didn’t stand out.



Now after losing so much weight, the chin being only one, and those cheeks not-so chubby I finally see that image that once was. As I look in the mirror I know see that fat guy. My perception appears warped. Everyone now and then I get glimpses of my new body. I see the narrowing of my waist, toning of my arms and thinness to my face. Those glimpse, though, are few and far between. Most days I see the image of what was.



It makes me wonder why that image of me still heavier plays so often in my head. Is it an attempt to remind of what was and not to go back? Is it a mild form of body dysmorphic syndrome? Is it that I haven’t changed at all?



Well, I have changed and I haven’t. Though I make healthier choices and put myself first now; something I wasn’t doing when I was heavier, I still remain that fat guy. There are parts of me that will always be that fat guy. I notice it when my mouth waters over a Pizza Hut commercial or how I can carry on an hour long conversation about food. He will always be apart of me.



Seeing that image in the mirror reminds me of that. It doesn’t make me feel bad about my body or me. The image serves as a reminder of needing to continue on with this journey and that what I see in front of me is not the answer. It is how I feel about me and not how I see myself that is most important in this journey. I love me. I feel good about the person I am becoming and the journey I am. Whether I have chubby cheeks or not in the mirror doesn’t change the way I feel.