Making Amends

As I stepped into the sunshine of a warm SoCal Autumn day, pushing back sweat from my workout, my thoughts turned to amends.  No, not making amends to my Northeast Friends who deal with roller coaster weather throughout the fall ‘til they reach that inevitable drop into the depth of winter, while I soak up the warm of consistency of blue skies, sunshine, and soft coastal breezes.  I think of making amends, because that’s what I was doing.  After my mini meltdown during Palates on Saturday I ran into one of the personal trainers from the gym.

“Hey Melissa!  Great to see you.  How’s the work out going?”  He’s face swept over by a large toothy grin.

I was in grips of embarrassment, reaching a fork in the road.  I would either emotional collapse into tears or swallow back the tears with a grumble and run away.  I choose the second.  “Ugh.”  I grumbled and jumped on the elevator to exit the location of my humiliation. 

It wasn’t the most tactful way to handle a very pleasant exchange.  It wasn’t his fault.  I realized that as I was walking away.  Today we met again near the elevator.  He was just as a pleasant.  “I am very sorry for my behavior on Saturday.”  He looked puzzled.  I could tell he had instantly forgotten about it, but I felt the next to explain.

“Thank you.”  He smiled at the end of my confession.  As I parted from the gym I felt much better.  I apologized.  I owned my mistake.  I did not make excuses.  I made amends. 

This is part of my journey.  It’s the unseen realization in this journey.   Making amends is woven into the fabric of my new life.  This journey is allowing me to make amends for years of not taking care of me, putting other’s needs before my own, and living in self-denial and lies.  Each day I make healthy choices I am correcting past wrongs to myself.

Making amends is not about making it up to me.  I’m not sending myself a dozen roses.  I’m not sending myself an “I’m sorry” card.  Rather it is about owning my mistake, embracing it, and making changes in behavior to avoid it happening again.  I won’t live a life of apologizing for past actions, but will focus on implementing behaviors that move forward. 

Self-forgiveness is key in this journey.  Many of us beat ourselves up throughout this journey.  “Why didn’t I do …blah, blah, blah.”  It’s easy to look at the mirror and blame ourselves; far easier to lay blame then enact change.  I did it for years.  The mirror would play judge; holding me accountable with images of squishy blobs of flush poking out of clothing and chins dangling.  Blame just made me feel guilty.  Guilt is not a motivator for change.  It just made me feel bad about myself, which I would then comfort myself with food or partake in a week or two of healthy living, only to fall back into old ways. 

Only when my heart turned to making amends and forgiving myself for the victimization of unhealthy living, did I truly embrace change.  There is a reason why making amends is about of the 12 steps of recovery.  For me; though, I was the true victim of my unhealthy ways.  Therefore, I had to make amends, forgive myself, and continue to grow and change.  Here’s to making amends!