Through the darkness

I sat in a dark room on Saturday with a Pilates Instructor calling out positions that were foreign to me.  Panic stricken eyes searched for light to guide the way through the darkness.  The only light shined from the door; escape.  I felt lost.  I could feel that clump in my throat building as I pushed back the tears.  Sitting there motionless I tried to use telepathy to tell the instructor, “I have RP and my rods don’t pick up the wee bit of light in this room; therefore, I have night blindness.  HELP!”  My telepathic screams fell on deaf ears.

Blind and lost I went towards my only salvation; the light of the door.  I could hear voices, “Did she just walk out of palates?”  I was humiliated.  My heart anchored down with the pain of mortification.  I vowed, “I’ll never take that class again,” as I jumped onto the comfort of the elliptical.  For 30 minutes I pounded out my frustration.  The sting of salty, sweaty tears stung my eye, burning the shame of what happened into my memory.

It’s been a few days since the embarrassment of Saturday’s Pilates Class.  Today as I did one of my many familiar circuit training routines it hit me that we’re all blind during this journey.  At some point on the weight loss journey we each sit blindly, pushing back tears, and vowing, “Never again!”  It may happen in the beginning, middle, or down the path.  However, it happens to each of us.  We feel helpless and search for the light of certainty.  

It’s a universal experience that can derail our journey.  Whether its feeling lost in the middle of a plateau period, not knowing where to begin, or searching for the strength to pull through, it happens to each of us.  As someone with a visual impairment I spend much of my life walking blindly.  However, with my trusty cane Pedro (yep, I named him) I can find my way through the darkness.  We each need a cane to help us get through the darkness of hopelessness, uncertainly, embarrassment…etc on this journey.  That cane could be a work out DVD, a work out buddy, a healthy cooking recipe book, a blog, a friend, a dog to go walking with each night…etc.  It could be whatever helps us along the path.

Today I realized this blog is my cane.  It helps guide me.  It helps me reflect on this journey and orient myself to my life’s journey.  So, in that moment of darkness find your cane to guide you through.  Remember it’s not a crutch, because you’re holding it.  It’s in the power of your hands, guiding by the many skills you have deep inside.

I'll be going back to that class, using my voice, and trying again.  Part of the journey through the darkness is creating new paths, not just embracing the familiar.

Got a case of the "if onlys?"

“If I only had time…” is a common phrase sighed throughout the world.  “If I only had time I would exercise more.”  “If I only had time I would run a 5k.”  “If I only had time I would make a meal instead of driving through KFC.”  “If I only had time I would make take a walk at lunch instead of eating vending machine potato chips.”  If I only…

I am quite sure we could string together a War and Peace sized book of “If only I had time.”  Perhaps, that will be the name of our autobiographies?  Wouldn’t be a very interesting story, would it?  It would be a painful read of prolonged self-denial and unfulfilled dreams.  I  have often lived my life in a state of “…if only.” 

Like so many I would think about those many things that would be good for me or bring me pleasure, only to cast them aside with the notion that I didn’t have time.  Really?  I didn’t have time for me?  I was making excuses.  It’s sometimes easier to dream of what could be, rather than make it happen.  It’s really much easier than we think.  When life is stressful and work deadlines loom it feels much easier to push aside those things.  “I’ll go to the gym next week.”  “I’ll make time for lunch tomorrow.”  We make lots of promises to ourselves that we do not keep.

Hit that gavel and make your sentence; I am just as guilty of this as anyone.  Each day I am faced with a series of choices on whether time is my master or am I its master?  I realize that if I push everything back, denying myself a healthy and happy life due to time that the time will never come.  I have to make it come.  It takes a great deal of work.  It takes getting up early in the morning to work out.  It takes sacrificing my lunch spent on a conference call or working on the computer to the sunshine and fresh air of a well-deserved afternoon walk.  It takes unfolding my yoga mat in the middle of my office while on a conference call to do yoga stretching on calls (can’t imagine how many times I’m asking a question, while in downward facing dog!). 

It’s a lot of effort to make master time, but it’s worth it.  The benefits of mastering time; self awareness, self discipline, self rewarding, stress reduction….etc.  The “if onlys” still creep in.  They overcame me yesterday, but today is another day.  Today I mastered my time to do Yoga during my afternoon Conference Call, take a ten minute walk during my lunch, and end the day with an evening stool and a treat of five dollar eye brow waxing (love this shop!). 

It’s important to be the master of our own time, it’s the only way we have time for ourselves.  Perhaps, this is the most important lesson on this journey.

Workout today:  60 minutes of Yoga Stretching, 10 minute power walk, and 20 minute stroll

Food:  Bowl of Special K, Apple, Grapes, Single Serving of Almonds, Peanut Butter and Honey Sandwich on toasted whole wheat bread, fish sandwich on whole wheat English muffin, cut up cucumber, cut up bell pepper, small piece of brownie, junior size p-nut smoothie from Robek’s Juice Bar, and eight glasses of water

Lesson:  It’s okay not to answer the phone

Giving Myself to Myself

Our worlds can be all-consuming.  We focus so much of our time, energy, and selves in the needs of others; bosses, friends, family, church, community…etc.  Often the last person we spend any of our much needed time, energy, and self on is our self.  I’ve said this time and time again that this journey is about me.  This is me indulging for myself.  This is my lifelong present to me.

Each day I am making choices to put myself first and give back all I give to me.  It’s okay and it’s not selfish.  If we don’t do these things, we’ll be no good to anyone else.  Those priorities we have will never be met without giving our self to our self.  This means taking care of you.  Make sure you get to enjoy your meals.  Choose healthy/yummy foods.  Make a meal, light a candle, and drink water out of a fancy wine glass.  Wine and dine yourself; so-to-speak.  Take yourself for a walk in the park.  Play yourself your favorite record. 

We so often forget to “romance” ourselves (pause for inappropriate giggles).  I thought of that today after spending eight hours at work without stopping for a break for lunch.  I was tired.  I was stressed.  My body ached.  My stomach grumbled.  My eyes sagged.  The moment the day was over I realized it wasn’t the work that drained me; it was me.  I didn’t give myself any of myself all day.  I need to make myself a priority. 

Back on Track...

Whenever I stop blogging about my weight loss journey I seem to lose myself.  Well, I seem to get lost.  My blog gives me direction.  It holds me accountable.  When I would rather sit lazily in the middle of a field smelling the roses then kicking up dust along this path, my blog helps pull me up.  For the last several months I have been delinquent at keeping up with my blog as well with my weight loss journey.

I haven’t stopped my journey, just have taken many a rest stop over the last few months.  There really isn’t an excuse.  Rather there really shouldn’t be an excuse.  This is a lifelong journey and excuses only allow not following my path make sense.  It reasons setting camp up in the middle of that field and not progressing.  Excuses.  Excuses.  Excuses.

Enough said.  No more excuses!  I vow to continue with my blog and tell my story; my lifelong story of this journey.  I need your help; though, if I go more than a day without posting pester me!  Yell at me.  Remind me to use this blog for my own advantage; helping guide and keep me accountable on this journey.

So, I’ve been hitting the gym steadily for nearly two weeks.  At least five days a week I am taking full advantage of all the gym has to offer.  My diet has been pretty good.  Oh, I still indulge, but my diet is well rounded.

Today’s work out:  20 minutes HIIT on the Elliptical, 20 minutes weight training focusing on shoulders and triceps, 20 reps of 10 different abs exercises, 20 minutes of HIIT bicycle, and 15 minutes of Yoga stretching

Today’s food:  Two pieces whole wheat toast with peanut butter, single serving almonds, apple, cut up cucumber, 4 pieces of low sodium turkey meat rolled up, bowl of special k vanilla almond cereal, single serving of whole grain goldfish crackers, half cup of brown rice with turkey bacon mixed in, single serving of grapes, and two cups steamed mixed veggies (green beans, corn, peas, and carrots), cup of English Tea black, and eight glasses of water

Today’s Lesson:  Have faith in the ability/knowledge of other’s

Tomorrow Never Comes

“I’ll start tomorrow.” We’ve all uttered those words. I do! I did! I probably will. Here’s the dirty little secret we NEVER tell ourselves; tomorrow never comes. It keeps getting pushed back and back and back…etc.




I spent my entire life with “tomorrows.” I would start my diet on New Year’s Day. I would start working out after the semester was over. I eat healthier when at lunchtime when I finished this next big project. Pretty soon my calendar was full of dates with myself that I kept pushing back.



I wasn’t making myself a priority. I didn’t realize that health wasn’t something to schedule for the future, but something to act upon right now. I still remember that first day on my journey. There was still a bag of chips in the house. I thought, “Oh I’ll snack on them every now and then. I’ll follow the serving size…blah.” About the third trip to refill the bowl I looked at my hands, covered in chip grease. That old nagging though whispered, “Tomorrow.”



There in my kitchen with a bag of BBQ Chips to witness I came to a crossroads. Would I continue to deny myself the date with healthy living or would I seize today? Obviously, I seized today. I tossed the entire bag in the trash. I avoided the Miranda Hobbs’ moment and DID NOT pull said bag out of the garbage and reconsume. I scooped out the trash and took it out.



Tomorrow would never come, but today was here. If I wanted a string of todays I had to stop promising myself a tomorrow and begin taking today. By taking today I made myself a priority. I told myself that I was important enough to make time for and to care for. Each day I have to remember this. Each morning when I start my day with a workout, take a 15 minute break to walk outside, do yoga during a conference call (my coworkers are laughing as they read this), or choose a healthier lunch I am giving myself today. It’s a struggle, but it also allows me a life without day planners with pushed back appointments.

Favorite Form of Torture

When I was an “in-denial fat guy” I use to look at exercise as torture. The image of a chubby Melissa chained to the treadmill forced to run for hours with a hostess cupcake dangling just out of reach would come to mind. Indeed that was the only way I was going to religiously hit the gym. I hate running. I hate jogging. I hate treadmills. Those forms of exercises are torture in my mind. Still are.




The idea of running equaling working out is common. When we think about working out we picture running. Images of the gym are rows of petite blondes with bouncy ponytails marathoning (I have officially invented this word) on the treadmill. Secretly I want to unplug the machines in my fantasy.



So, at nearly 300lbs and 27 the idea of hitting the torture house with these Barbie doll clones was not my idea of fun. Nobody is going to stick with something if it isn’t fun. Even the deep fried brain of a fat guy in denial understood this. If I wanted to embrace exercise and truly integrate it into my life I had to find one that worked for me.



That’s the secret to sticking with an exercise plan. We don’t have to make ourselves fit the exercise plan, but find one that works with us. Once we find the good fit, we’re unstoppable. I found my match in Yoga. That quiet Sunday I switched over to the Exercise on Demand feature and scrolled through the options. First, was some kick butt cardio blast with Jillian. I wanted to die or cry. How could I stick with this? It was not fun, at first. I needed something fun; something that didn’t feel like work. I clicked on Yoga with Tom Morley. Bam! I was hooked.



It was a cardio based Yoga that blended movement with the stretching of Yoga. I felt energized. I felt sore, but in a good way. The sweat that poured down felt more like tiny badges of honor. It was like playing kick ball with friends in Elementary School. I didn’t realize I was doing something good for me. I was having fun.



I incorporated this fun into my life. I started off with two days, then three, and finally five. I used this fun to propel me to other workouts. In a way Yoga was my gateway drug. It opened up my perception of exercise allowing me to embrace other practices that would benefit me. I still hate the treadmill and avoid it when I hit the gym. I realized that I didn’t have to conform to what those bouncy ponytails where doing.



The trick to exercise is not working out, it’s having fun. Find what fun is for you and incorporate into your life. You’ll be doing something fun and treating yourself at the same time.

Fat Guy Porn

After returning home yesterday I found myself laying flat on my belly, the hands holding up my chin as my eyes gazed up at the television in pure ecstasy. The Cooking Channel featured chocolate on their “Unique Sweets” show. My mouth watered at the anticipation of each dish displayed and described in a way to invoke seduction of the viewer. Soon I found myself craving to dip everything in chocolate, even Liam. He laughed sitting on the couch as I eyed each dish like a ravenous dog.




“This like porn for fat people,” he joked. This morning as I looked up the different restaurants featured on the show I realized it was! It was someone watching pornography, getting turned on, and then finding a way of “releasing” themselves. My way of relieving myself was a piece of toast smothered in Nutella and planning to visit one of those restaurants while in Chicago for the Holidays.



It is almost pornographic they way we depict food in this culture. We are seduced by food. We use the same language about food as we do about sex. We crave. We cheat. We etc… Just think about it. Sex and food at so closely aligned in this culture. They are the basic needs of this culture, to eat and to reproduce through sexual activity. Both experiences have been cheapened or given an extreme price. Both leave us with a mixture of feelings. Both make fill or distract us.



So the idea of being seduced by food to fulfilling a longing deep inside isn’t that far fetched if we think about it? In fact chocolate releases the same chemical in the brain that is released during climax (medical fact). That might explain the endless love affair women have had with chocolate; the kindness and most unforgiving of partners. Chocolate is that bad boy, so smooth and sweet in the moment, only to leave us heart broken as we try to zip up our jeans the next morning.



This love affair we have with food can be seen in all aspects of our culture. Whether it’s the cheap and tawdry trysts like the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest and “Man v. Food” or the expensive four course romances at the finest restaurant. The truth is we’ve all been seduced by food. I know I have.



The trouble is how do we resist the temptation? It’s like trying to break up with the guy that we know is so wrong for us, but we keep sneaking off in the middle of the night to meet up with. Although, just like in those cases it’s not the seducer that is the enemy, it’s us. How do we handle the temptation? How do we not loose ourselves to food?



Part of me wants to crawl back into the unforgiving arms of indulgence, living in a self-imposes delusion of the truth. However, each time I slip into that affair again, I find myself losing the greatest love of all; my self. How do we create a healthy relationship with food, while still enjoying those little trysts? This is a question I will struggle with and continue to do so.