What you like about me v what I like about me

Everybody loves a compliment. Put the false modesty away folks. You know there is a little extra spring in your step, when someone expresses pleasure in something about you or the way you do things. I’m sure even Mother Theresa had a smile on her face when complimented. Taking a compliment and feeling a sense of happiness at that is not a bad thing.  Today during boxing I got two compliments in the first ten minutes of class.

Before class started a girl I see on a regular basis said, “Wow, I can totally see the weight loss on you. You’re toning too!” I couldn’t help, but gush. “Thank you!” I exclaimed with a giant grin on my face. Tucking that compliment in my side pocket I was ready to take on my kick butt class.

Then Dorian, my boxing instructor, came up to me to demonstrate bobbing and weaving. “Girl, you should be teaching this class! You got it,” he high-fived me. Another even bigger grin took over my entire face. I felt a sense of accomplishment and growth take over. I put that compliment in my other side pocket and battled through the grueling 60 minute class in the 90 degree boxing gym.

After class I thought about compliments. They are such splendid feedback on any journey. However, I wondered which type of compliment carried more weight for me? Was looking good to others more important than demonstrating growth and development?

Of course, looking good is a part of this. Everyone wants to put on an outfit and feel attractive. I love the idea of having the ability to shop in all stores even the evil Abercrombie and Fitch (although, I will NEVER shop there) or putting on a lovely black dress for a dinner out with Liam and having no pieces of squish popping out!  Heck I want to be able to look at myself naked in a mirror and say, "dang!"

Looking good for me is a byproduct of this journey, though, because I already see myself as beautiful.  The most important thing for me is the ability to see growth and development in my fitness/health levels. Seeing change in my flexibility, endurance, strength, balance, and agility carries me throw to my ultimate goal of enjoying overall good health.

I add one more dimension to the discussion of compliments. Was it more important for me to find validation from others or myself? How much should compliments hold sway on my sense of self accomplishment during this journey? Shouldn’t I be the first to recognize my growth? Isn’t it up to me to tell myself how good I look or how strong my abilities are?

Placing too much importance on compliments from others can weaken one’s growth. Compliments are like the sprinkles on a sundae or extra 10% off that already rock bottom sales price! They are a lovely thing, but we must first look to ourselves for feedback, support, cheer, and guidance. We have to be our number one cheerleader.

That’s why each day I find one thing I like about myself and make sure I tell myself that. I look for ways I look good, characteristics that I like, or abilities I have to compliment myself on. This ensures that no matter the distance between external compliments I am engaging in self-validation and love.

This journey is the deepest expression of love I have for myself. I am getting healthy for me. It will allow me to do so much for others and be around longer for my loved ones. However, let’s not fool ourselves. Getting healthy is truly selfish.  We do this to feel, look, and be the best version of ourselves. While we navigate that path, let’s remind ourselves of how well we’re doing on this journey. After all, nobody likes a negative Nancy for a backseat driver!

Today’s Meals:

• Breakfast – Bowl of Cereal, Banana, Glass of Chocolate Almond Milk

• Lunch – Two mini low fat bean burritos

• Dinner – PB&J on Wheat Bread

• Snacks – Single serving of goldfish crackers, orange, two caramels

Today’s Exercise:

• 60 minute low impact walk

• 60 minute high-impact boxing class

• 20 minute swim (20 laps)

Today’s Treat:

• 20 minute soak in the hot tub after boxing/swimming

Today’s what I like about me:

• My cheerleader behavior. I tend to be very supportive. It game out during boxing, when I was cheering some of my classmates on during drills. They wanted to give up, but I wanted let them. This also kept me going strong during the class.

Fat! Fat! Fat!

Fat is everywhere! Sometimes I feel like I cannot escape the topic of fat. We are a culture obsessed with fat in one way or another. There are stories about how to lose fat, how fat is dominating, how fat is killing Americans, how to make fatty foods, and where to eat fatty foods. I feel like Jan Brady, “Fat! Fat! Fat!”


I’m just as guilty as this. I spend about 90% of my day consumed by fat and I don't mean just the fat squishing out of my t-shirt lol!  I am thinking about how to lose fat, but at the same time craving fatty foods. Today I couldn’t escape fat. Each news story on the radio talked about fat. First, there was a story/discussion about Chris Christie getting the lap band surgery. The next one was about how owning a dog can positively impact one’s health and waist line (thank you Milo!). Then, I turn on Bill Maher at the end of the day to a discussion about over processed foods and fat people.

Today I couldn’t escape fat. In fact, I never will escape fat. Fat will always be a part of my life. Even if I lose the weight I need to, the fat will still be there. Deep inside of me is a Fat Guy. I have a Fat Guy brain and have to fight it. It’s like those that struggle with drugs and alcohol. They may end up abstaining from using/abusing substances, but they still have a daily battle to maintain sobriety.

I/will struggle with fat each day. It would be so nice to have a vacation from fat, but it’s highly unlikely. One can never escape fat; however, can learn ways to cope with fat. I have to gain tools for dealing with losing fat and craving fatty foods. I also need to learn how to not allow fat to completely consume my life becoming my main focus. This is, perhaps, the most important coping device to develop.

How does one not let fat rule their life? For me by focusing on other activities that cause to me have an enriched life not focused of losing fat or fatty foods. Some of these activities include taking Improv, which allows me for 2 hours a week to focus on fun v fat. Even the exercises I choose to engage in help me focus on something besides fat. “What?” you ask, “How can exercise be devoid of fat?” Well, yes, exercise aids in battling fat; however, it engages other aspects of my life. Boxing channels stress into a healthy outlet, while having fun in a supportive environment. Yoga provides me with a deeper connection with my spirit and God.

Much like Jan Brady with her large perm Whig some of these activities allow me to step away from fat for a few minutes, but also allow me to develop strategies for dealing with fat for the rest of my life. Fat will always be a part of my life, but it doesn’t have to hold me hostage. I am more than fat.

Today’s Treat – A movie date to see The Great Gatsby with Stacie!

Today’s Exercise – 20 minute power walk with Milo

Today’s what I like about me – My new hair color! I got my hair sassy!

Finding Contentment

Nothing snaps you back in the reality like stepping on the scale.  Today after my workout I ended it with my weekly weigh in.  I could feel my entire body seize as I stepped on the scale.  The air flew out of my body, as if it would secretly decrease the scale if I wasn’t breathing.  The scale can be a vengeful lover.  The good news is I am down 2.2lbs, which is awesome!  It’s the first step in my goal to lose 10lbs in the next 30 days (I choose to lose weight in intervals with small goals v a giant goal). 

As I sat there looking at my weight and calculating what I needed to do, suddenly I could hear the voice of my Yoga instructor Cindy in my head, “Find contentment.”  During my Yoga Flow II class last night at Cindy’s Kava Yoga Studio she had us focus on finding contentment in our practice v searching for fulfillment in achieving the poses.  In life we’re often focused on the goals and the sense of accomplishment/victory it brings us. 

We become myopic in our life zeroing in on the goals.  If we only focus on the road in front of us, we miss the wonder around us and the experience it brings.  I wondered if the focus on getting my exercise down and the scale could suck the happiness in the experience of these activities. 

How does one find contentment in living healthier?  How does one enjoy healthy eating or exercise while working towards a goal?  Simple.  Make it an event!  Look at a healthy diet and exercise a party.  Instead of groaning, “Ugh, I have to work out!” change the thought process.  If you're groaning about exercising find the contentment.  Is there a type of exercise you enjoy?  when are you happiest during exercise?  On days I'm groaning I look to the things that bring me happiness like swiming or Yoga or Boxing.  Nothing like a good punching session to find contentment and fun! 

Happiness on this journey allows this to be an enjoyable experience, while I work up to these goals.  It keeps me more connected to the work I'm doing ensuring I don't turn back.  I’m choosing to find the contentment in the process.  I’m stopping to smell the roses along this journey.  It allows me to enrich this experience, which ultimately will help me maintain these healthy activities.  By focusing only on the destination we will forget how to get there.

Today’s Food (kind of naughty) –

Breakfast – Strawberries

Lunch – Half a baked chicken breast, spoon full of mashed potatoes, and spoonful of macaroni and cheese

Dinner – Too full to eat after my larger lunch

Snacks – two chocolate chip cookies, banana, and a JELLO Pudding Cup

Today’s Exercise:

20 Minute Power Walk with Milo

10 Minute Home Boxing

10 Minute stair climbing routine

20 Minute Yoga/Pilates Abs

Today’s Treat:  Improv class!!!

Today’s what I like about me:  I enjoy how sometimes my hair can be curly and other times straight.  It makes it fun to change it up.

Justified is not just a Timberlake CD

I have this need to justify myself about my weight.  I’m always finding a way to mention how much weight I’ve lost, the healthy choices I make on most days, or what type of exercise I engage in.  No, it’s not done out of this sense of pride, but out of a desire to prove I’m not a tub of lard sitting on the couch eating potato chips all day!  I’m still heavy and have a great deal of weight to loose, but I’ve come so far from where I use to be.

However, people don’t know.  If they don’t know my story they may assume I am just allowing myself to be heavy and not working to be healthy.  At least, this is the fear I have of what people are thinking about me.  I feel their judgmental gazes whenever I eat or drink in public or (cue forshadowing music) go shopping. 

A few weeks ago I treated myself to a slice of cheese pizza (NY Style) and a bottle of water.  It was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon.  Milo and I had been on a long walk.  We sat outside the little pizza place enjoying the fresh air.  I had taken two bites of my pizza slice when a thin/beautiful woman walked up to me, pulled down her sunglasses, and sneered, “That’s not going to help your boxing at all.”  I looked up in shock.  First, I had no idea, who she was.  Second, I had no idea how she knew I boxed.  Was this a crazy kind of stalker that followed fat people around to make them feel bad when they ate something not on the Weight Watchers' approved food list? 

She pushed up her sunglasses and sauntered away.  I could feel a large lump of shame in my throat, making it hard to swallow.  I scooped up the pizza, tossing it in the trash, and walking away with Milo.  I felt like the sad Charlie Brown messed up the buying of the Christmas tree music was playing as I quietly headed home, beating myself up for ordering a slice of pizza.  I couldn’t help to feel if I could explain to her how much weight I’ve lost and how I’ve transformed my health, she would understand and be okay with my occasional slice of pizza.

As I look back on the entire situation I can’t help to ask myself, when did I give people so much power over me?  Before I started eating healthier, I could care less.  I ate what I wanted.  I drank what I wanted.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable in stores, because I knew which ones carried my sizes and simply bought accessories at the others.  I was in a bit of denial about my weight and health, but I was happy. 

Once I underwent a journey of self-discovery, I experienced this new-found sense of self-conscience behavior.  In fact, the first time I bought clothes in a store that wasn’t exclusive to the Plus Size ladies, I felt all the sales people looking at me.  I feared a Pretty Woman moment, except instead of being the whore they don’t want in their store I was the fat chick. 

I became increasingly sensitive about the clothes I wore, the food I ate, and what I was drinking in public.  I made of point of letting people know how I healthed-up that iced coffee with fat free milk, that I was 80lbs lighter…etc.  Perhaps, it’s this journey of constant self-improvement that caused me to develop elements of poor self-esteem in my early 30’s.  It’s an odd aspect of this process.

However, I have to find balance.  There has to be a way to accept and love oneself without losing the desire to continue to improve one’s life.  Changing our lives doesn’t me we stop loving ourselves.  It doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t still love who I am and enjoy the body I’m in, while I’m here.  Making me feel bad only harpoons the work I’m doing.  This journey is about enjoying overall good health and self-love is such a critical part of that.

Not to be cliché, but that’s who I am and I’m okay with that, Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Nobody can make you feel inferior, except yourself.”  It wasn’t that woman with her snarky comment which made me feel bad, it was me.  I was already self-conscience about eating in public.  Even a salad stresses me out, because I fear the comment, “Watching your weight” will slip out. 

I have to live in the light and be who I am.  Loving one means loving all of oneself, especially the parts that are a work in progress.  It means being okay with my behaviors and owning them.  Instead of tossing the pizza, I should have ate it and smiled, "Yeah I'm loading up on carbs."  As I continue this journey I must remember that I am perfect in my past, current, and future physical states and that I should love who I am no matter what the scale says.

Today’s What I Like about me Thought:

I’m a good friend.  I just need to make sure to be a good friend to me!

Today’s Food:

Breakfast – Strawberries, Banana, and cup of Cheerios

Lunch – PB&J on Whole Wheat, Baby Carrots, and a single serving of Gold Fish Crackers

Dinner – Unknown at this time

Snacks – A Coke Zero, Half a serving of Cinnamon Almonds, JELLO Pudding Cup

Today’s Exercise:

20 minutes lunch time Power Walk with Milo

10 minute tug play session with Milo after work

90 minute Flow II Yoga class at Kava

Today’s Treat:

A hot bubble bath at the end of the day!

All in a day

I am a creature of habit. I realized that, as I put on ABC7 this morning to check the news. I cannot force myself to try CBS or NBC news. I have watched ABC News since I was a kid back in WNY. In fact, growing up between Rochester and Buffalo, I had an option between ABC News on channel 13 or 7. I was such a habit-driven individual that I wouldn’t watch 13 ‘til I lived in the Rochester-area. Nobody what city I am in; living, work, or vacation, I will only watch ABC News.


It’s interesting to look at the habits I’ve developed. They become almost ritualistic.  Not engaging in these habits can cause me slight confusion and a sense of an incomplete day. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to have a panic attack if I don’t watch ABC News in the morning, but it is a part of my day. It’s one of those daily habits that move me through my day.

Watching ABC News each day provides me information and enjoyment. Other daily habits can provide equally needed positive results, although, others can have negative consequences (cue forshadowing music). It’s important to examine these habits to understand how they developed, what role they play, and their consequences. Do the daily habits we keep have positive emotional or physical results?  As well, it was important to understand that I was a habit-driven individual when developing a healthy life stole.  I better understood how I functioned.

When I first began my weight loss journey in 2009 I remember looking at my two 20oz Pepsi habit of the day. My parents were huge soda drinkers. We drank soda as kids and adults in my household. The combined days of habitual drinking of soda increased my risk for high blood pressure, diabetes, and inflated that spare tire that had settled in my midsection. I had to look at why I drank soda. Was it the taste? Was it the ritual of it? Was it the caffeine? Once I understood that I could battle my soda addiction more easily and slowly chance those daily habits.

Just like combating daily habits that would derail my journey to good health, I had to work to integrate good health habits into my daily experience. Some of those habits include morning stretching, regular exercise, scheduled meals, starting my day off with a large glass of cold water…etc It took time to engrain these into my daily agenda truly embracing them as part of my day in which if I didn’t do it I felt like my day was incomplete.

It took time to mold my day into a series of healthy habits. In the beginning it took some forcing (I was like the unruly child refusing to eat their vegetables). I had to stick to a regular schedule ‘til I got to the point that not doing these healthy habits became a foreign feeling and cause me to feel my day was incomplete. The more healthy habits are a critical piece of the puzzle of my day, the more likely I am to continue to engage in healthy living.

Today’s Menu:

Breakfast – Two Scrambled Eggs, Two piece of Whole Wheat bread, and a banana

Lunch – Bowl of Soup

Dinner – Pork Chop, Mashed Potatoes, and Green Beans

Snacks – Strawberries, Single Serving of Almonds, JELLO Pudding Snack

Today’s Exercise:

5 minutes Yoga Stretching

20 minute lunchtime power walk with Milo

60 minute boxing workout

Today’s Treat – Watching last night’s Game of Throne at the end of my day!!

Today’s what I like about me thought – My flexibility! Not only have I physically gained flexibility over the last year of more intensive Yoga practice, but I am flexible in life with the emotional give and take of being a good human being and friend.

It's not a diet...

The dreaded phrase, “I’m on a diet,” is spoken and the room grows quiet. Suddenly images of not being able to enjoy dinners out, constant conversation about calories, and the inevitable food-related tirade by someone that has only ate salads with no dressing for the last three weeks come to mind.

Let’s face it we grown, when we hear friends and family say they are on a diet, because we wonder how this will impact us. We grown when we’re on a diet, because we begin to severely limit the things and foods we can eat. We treat dieting like a prison sentence and frankly I’m doing a life sentence.


The first problem here is looking at it like a diet. We look at eating healthy and exercising as something we do for an assigned period of time to reach a specific goal aka serving time ‘til we make parole for good behavior or ‘til we find a cupcake with a file in it and saw our way out to relapse into a life of dietary crime. As long as we look at healthy eating and exercise in this matter we’re doomed to repeat bad behaviors.

Healthy diet and exercise are not something we do for a period of time, but should be a lifelong pursuit. The more to integrate into our lifestyle the more successful we’ll be in sticking to a lifelong plan that promotes overall good health.

This, however, doesn’t mean that we can never taste chocolate again, enjoy a slice of birthday cake, or have a burger! These foods aren’t banished from our diet. A healthy lifestyle incorporates the good and the guilty foods in moderation. A slice of pizza isn’t going to destroy you. It’s when we go overboard jumping into the junk food deep in of over indulging that we find ourselves drowning in poor health.

A healthy life isn’t about restrictions, but balance. I’m a true believing in one’s life having balance. We can’t do all of one thing or we are lopsided. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, remember? Well, all lettuce and no scoop of ice cream makes Melissa plot against skinny friends lol! This was something I have struggled with my entire life. When I worked on losing weight I quickly banished all salt, sugar, and fat from my diet. I would eat fresh fruit and vegetables for a month or two, losing weight, and then one day binge on something sugary, fatty, or salty. I would, of course, beat myself up and the vicious cycle would continue.

It wasn’t ‘til I discovered the need for true balance in my life that I embraced the same notion with my diet. I could have a burger from time-to-time, as long as I was making healthy choices on a regular basis. So, even though today I plan to engage it two guilty items (a pop corn at the movie) and, perhaps, a burger after, I don’t have to feel like I’m destroying myself because I’m making healthy choices on a regular basis.

This shift in my perspective about diet and exercise allows for a greater balance and enjoyment in this process. When we see something as temporary we lack the emotional investment needed to truly get what we need out of it. The experience is truly lost on us. If I relegate diet and exercise to that idea I will fail in my quest to live healthy.

Exercise isn’t something I will ever stop engaging in, which makes the pursuit more fun. I’m building upon it by challenging myself to new heights. Just as with my diet I am learning ways to have balance. For a fat girl a life of unbalance will only result in falling to the ground and frankly I prefer standing tall.

Today’s Meals:

Breakfast – bowl of fresh strawberries, banana, and bowl of shredded wheat with 2% low fat milk

Snacks – Single serving of carrots, single serving of almonds (eating them now yummy), small pop corn at the movies, and a small Coke Zero at the movies

Lunch/Dinner – Undecided, but it will be out and involve something meaty!

Today’s Exercise – 20 minute walk with Milo and 20 minute cardio workout at home

Today’s Treat – Seeing Iron Man 3 with Stacie and then attending an Improv show with Stacie, Bethany, and Marianne!

Today’s what I like about me – There are all these fun aspects of my personality that make up the fabric of me. I’m much like a quilt; warm and cozy, but lots of patches of color!

Not Just a Workout

The framework around exercise is about physical health. We exercise to lose weight, tone muscles, and stay physically healthy. This was the lesson drilled into us by gym short wearing drill sergeants, when institutionally forced to engage in physical activity during PE classes in primary and high school.


I totally bought into this when I first integrated exercise into my life. I wanted to lose weight, so I could live a healthier life. As I gasped through each workout wondering why I was doing this to myself I would coax myself through with the idea of losing weight, toning up, and getting healthy. I focused solely on the outward results of an exercise plan.

I looked to exercise as the answer to getting physically fit ignoring the emotional impact it could have. As my strength and endurance increased I gained a sense of pride in the work I was doing and excitment in doing it. When I first hit the Wheel Pose in Yoga Class it wasn’t, “Hey, I am physically healthy,” that passed through my brain, but a deep sense of accomplishment related to my determination and growth. Each time I complete a boxing workout, that could be used as a form of punishment for wayward individuals; there is this feeling of achievement. These are things I never saw myself doing.

Working out simply began as a means to an end. It was a box to check in my day. However, the moment I began to challenge myself with different types of athletic pursuits like Yoga, Boxing, Kickboxing, and Swimming the passion, love, drive...etcseized me! It was like a ravenous lover grabbing me and passionately kissing me. I wanted more! I wanted to push myself by pursuing things I never dreamed I could do.  An athletic awakening consumed me.
This transformational experience took hold of me. It caused me to see my workout as this fun activity I did for me. It brought me happiness, pride, laughter, and so many other emotional delights. What began as a strategy for combating weight morphed into an important element of my life.

Exercise can do more than change our bodies. It can change our lives. With Yoga, Boxing, Kickboxing, and Swimming I found a way to channel my Type A Personality in a healthy way, decrease stress levels, develop a sense of accomplishment/pride, and so much more! While it’s helping support weight loss, its emotional impact upon my life is what drives me to continue. On those days that I just don’t want to get out of bed or leave the house after a long work day the way exercise makes me feel drives me. The instant gratification v the long term goal keeps me engaged.

Exercise truly works, when we find that passion in it and realize it's tranformative power upon our entire self. 

Today’s Food:

• Breakfast – Two Bananas and A bowl of Frosted Mini Wheat Cereal with 2% low fat milk

• Lunch – Slice Apple, Spoonful of Peanut Butter, Steamed Broccoli, Single Serving of Baby Carrots

• Snacks – Single Serving of Popcorn, ice blended coffee, peanut butter, and banana drink with nonfat milk, a mini Oreo cupcake (thanks Liam), a 60 calorie vanilla pudding cup

• Dinner – skipped it (naughty) and engaged in snacking throughout the evening

Today’s Exercise:

• 20 minute power walk with Milo at lunch time

• 90 minute Flow I Yoga class

Today’s Treat:

• Coffee date with Darren (what a lovely spirit)

Today’s “What I like about me”:

• I really turn myself on (lol get it)! My sense of humor. I like how I can be silly and find the humor in life. Even if nobody else is laughing, I am and that makes me smile!