But you promised!!!!!!!!

Morning comes too quickly! All comfy in my bed is the shortest and sweetest part of my day. I tend to linger in the bed hoping to stop time for a few extra hours of sleep. Despite requesting it each year for Christmas, the ability to stop time has yet to be bestowed upon me (You Suck Santa!). This morning as I lay wrapped in my blanket listening to the hum of the fan and watching day creep into the room I thought, “I’ll start tomorrow.”


Only 12 hours early I had resolved to start each morning with Yoga stretching to start my day off right. Morning exercise gets the blood flowing and better prepares us to tackle the day. Plus, it’s pretty badass to say, “Yeah, I already worked out this morning.” However, the lure of my bed caused me to rethink that decision. I could always start tomorrow. What would be bad about starting one day later? What damage could it cause?

We often reason with ourselves to postpone change. This private procrastination simply leads to un-kept promises. How often do we break promises we make to ourselves? We always promise ourselves that one day we will, “start exercising,” “take a vacation,” “eat healthy,” “have fun”…etc We make promises each day in the form of contracted expectations in the roles we play. We promise to be a good employee, love our partner, take the dog out, be on time for work, go to church, go to that movie with friends, get that report in….etc It’s easy to keep those promises, because there is someone/something on the other end counting on us.

Relationships can hold us accountable to keep those promises. There is an unwritten agreement to not disappoint one another. Then, why can’t we do that for ourselves? The longest relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. Why can’t we treat ourselves as the most important person in our life?

This morning as I lay in my bed I could hear my inner self screaming, “DON’T FORGET ME!” It was jumping up and down demanding I stop ignoring her and keep my promises. I had images of it singing its own version of “Cats in the Cradle.” I rolled out of bed and began my day keeping that promise to myself. Once that first promise was kept it was easy to keep the rest. Just like breaking one promise has a domino effect of breaking others.  I ate healthy and on time! I took one of my conference calls on the Blue Tooth and listened to the learning session while power walking the Dog around my complex. Now, I write my daily blog post.

All of this adds up to making me a priority. I can't push things to the next day that lift my emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I am the most important person in my life and that’s okay to admit. Without taking care of me, I will never be able to keep those promises I have made to others!


Food –

• Breakfast – Two Pieces Whole Wheat Toast and Two Scrambled Eggs

• Lunch – Bowl of Chicken Soup

• Dinner – Large bowl of Steamed Green Beans, Cup of Brown Rice, and Bowl of Fresh Fruit

• Snacks – Single Serving of Almonds, Sliced Apple and spoonful of peanut butter, single serving of whole grain gold fish crackers, and a banana

Exercise/Activity –

• 20 Minute Flow Yoga Session (5 a.m.)

• 30 Minute Power Walk (Lunch Time)

• 60 Minute Kickboxing Class (5:15 p.m.)

Today’s Treat:

• Two hours of Improv with friends!

What I like about me thought of the day:

• I’m a strong leader, which comes out in my work and personal life. It shined today in a way of helping support my colleagues!

It's not my fault, it's the chair!

We’ve had those moments in which we attribute hitting maximum density to other factors. These jeans must have shrunk. That store cuts there sizes smaller. I am bloated and retaining water. This top must have shrunk in the wash. That seat belt is shorter than they use to be…etc.

In my case the moment of self-denial and realization collided during a NFL Playoff Game. My boyfriend and I found our seats at the Ducks v Red Wings game. As I squeeze into the seat, my sides resting against the arms tightly, I exclaimed, “Are these seats smaller than the one's we usually have!?” We had been to the Honda Center three weeks prior and I don’t recall feeling so snug.  My boyfriend found himself in that very uncomfortable male dilemma to lie or tell the truth. He cautiously said, “No, these are the same sized seats we usually have.”

The realization slapped me across the face like dramatic Soap Opera scene. It wasn’t the seats! It wasn’t the fabric of those pants that use to fit! It wasn’t the washing machine plotting to drive me insane by shrinking things! It wasn't an endless state of water retention!  It was, gasp, me!  I had gained weight.

How is this possible? I work out four days a week. I started mentally scrolling through my health management behavior. I was doing the right things, wasn’t I? It appeared so through the lens of my self-denial. Quickly as I pulled of the rose colored classes of self-assurance I could see the stark reality. There was a collusion of both good and not-so-good behavior that called for a course correction.

I could have blamed hte chair, but excuses only perpetuate the problem. This is how the scale inched higher and higher and seats got snug. It wasn’t ‘til I stripped away the story I told myself to find the reality that I was able to make honest and thoughtful change. Self-assurance and self-acceptance is a powerful thing resulting in both good and unintended negative results. Sometimes that self-assurance is really self-denial masquerading. It’s Halloween and the trick is on us. The more we make excuses and hide behind them the greater we become invested in that truth; detaching from the reality of ourselves.

I had three options; (1) remain invested in the delusion and carry on to a future wearing Circus Tents as t-shirts and being fork-lifted out of my house with a raging case of diabetes, (2) beat myself up and emotionally breakdown in self-destructing behavior of unhealthy yo-yo dieting, or (3) accept the truth, be aware of the behaviors that led to the construction of delusion, and develop a healthy approach to move forward.
Today I choose option three. I am using my skills as a Social Worker to develop a SMART plan for re-engaging in a healthy plan to truly love myself by living healthy.

The Plan:

• Scheduled eating (no more letting my workday dictate when/if I eat. I will adhere to a strict schedule to ensure I am getting proper nutrition and energy through the day)

• Morning Yoga (each morning I will begin with 10 – 15 minutes of Yoga stretching to start my day off correctly)

• Conference Call Walks (I will take at least one of my daily conference call via my blue tooth to facilitate an entire 60 minutes of walking, while I am engaging in a meeting. This will ensure movement throughout the workday and increase brain functionality throughout the day).

• A 7 p.m. cut off for eating (this I already do, so it’s all good!)

• Four days of moderate to intense exercise (3 days boxing/kickboxing with 1 day of Yoga and/or Swimming)

• Increase veggie intake (need to make a majority of my meal vegetables and decrease grain intake)

• One naughty treat a week (everyone needs a cheat each week)

• Write a blog post a day to keep myself honest, centered, and focused on my emotional and physical health

• Set 90 day goals not solely based in pounds dropped, but capturing milestones and growth in compliance with the plan, changes in physical ability…etc and having prizes that are no associated with good such as a massage, pedicure, new outfit…etc

• Identify individuals that support me in this process to look to for feedback, guidance, and reality checks when needed

• Look in the mirror and tell myself something awesome about me at the end of each day

• Take myself on a self-date once a month to remind myself that this is about my health and I do this out of love for me

The plan will develop as I continue to move forward to live a healthy life. So, even though I could have blamed it on that chair or even blamed it on me I am choosing a bath of growth and self-developing v blaming and excuses. Blame and excuses get us nowhere.

Accountable

I dumped a soda down the drain today.  That’s $1.50 wasted.  Sluggish and craving the quick fix of a carbonated beverage I hit the local market and bought a soda.  It was a 5 minute round trip.  Sitting in my office I smiled as the bubbles washed into my belly.  As I sat there mindlessly sipping the soda trying to focus on my conference call it hit me; I was mindlessly consuming 250 calories, 25 mg of Sodium, 25 mg of sugar, and ZERO nutrients.  Then the embarrassment and shame swept over me, washing away that simple satisfaction of the soda.

In those few moments I thought about my goals, my journey, and the things that could derail it.  It’s easy to fall back into bad habits.  “It’s only one.”  “Live a little.”  All the ways we lie to ourselves.  I couldn’t justify it.  There really isn’t any justification.  It’s an unhealthy habit. 

So, I did the only logical thing I could do; I dumped it down the drain.  I cringed at the wasted money, but the idea of finishing it or leaving it to sip on during the week left a bad taste in my mouth that the soda couldn’t wash away.  Finishing it would only fuel the lies I told myself.  Drinking it made me feel like a fraud; to myself and to those I care about who are supporting me on this journey.

I write this to hold myself accountable.  That’s a big part of this journey; accountability.  Gaining the weight symbolizes the ultimate lack of taking responsibility for my actions.  I would allow myself to make unhealthy choices, not facing the reality of what these unhealthy choices are doing to me.

I must not forget to continue to hold myself accountable.  If I don’t, my journey will be for nothing.  We all sigh, when we see our friends lose a lot of weight and gain it all back.  Without accountability we are doomed to repeat our own mistakes.  Accountability must be a life-long lesson and practice.  Change is not a destination, but a journey.  It is never ending.  I must remain diligent and true.   

Mind on my Money....

At the beginning of our weigh loss journey we are intoxicated with motivation.  It seeps throughout out body, taking over all thoughts.  We’re consumed with healthy recipes and an impulse to workout.  Like all drunken states this fades away and the sobering reality of life hits.  How do we maintain that motivation?  How do we life in the reality of a world ripe with distraction?

This is something I struggle with each day.  I have to find motivation each day to do the things that help me along my path.  Much like someone struggling with addiction (really I am struggling with addiction to making bad health choices with my food/exercise habits) I have to take it day-by-day.  I feel like I should break into song here.

Each day is a new challenge to find motivation.  Today it was money.  After a long workday I sat at my office desk thinking about curling up on the couch and watching last night’s “Once Upon a Time.”  That’s all I wanted to do after a long day of frustration and a weekend spent traveling.  I just wanted rest.  I wanted to treat myself.  The last thing that felt like a treat was the gym.  Then I thought of those gym fees.  Every two weeks those gym fees deducted out of my bank account.  I paused thinking of that money being drained from my account for no reason.

So, often I’ve seen friends go months paying for a gym membership they are not using.  That’s money that I could use on groceries, pay the electric bill, or buy myself a present!  That’s money I am wasting on nothing. There is no result.  At least, with a night of binging on frozen yogurt I have a memory of that sweet taste.  With this I have NOTHING.  The idea of my money going to nothing was enough to drag me to the gym.

I got every dollar worth working out for 90 minutes.  It was the motivation that I needed to get me there.  Tomorrow I am sure that I will have to muster up more motivation.  Each day the challenge will be in maintaining the motivation that I was drunk with at the beginning of this journey.  Motivation can be fleeting.  It’s important to remember that and look for new motivation throughout this journey.

Marriage, Babies, Diet?

It feels like all of my friends from high school and college are getting married and having babies.  Wait, it doesn’t feel like that AT all; because it is what’s happening!  What does this have to do with my weight loss journey, you ask?  EVERYTHING! 

This weight loss journey is not separate from the rest of my life.  It’s deeply woven carefully becoming threads holding the fabric of my life’s journey together.  My life’s journey is a quilt of many colors and weight loss is one of those colors.  Weight loss is not a separate life.  It does close me off to the rest of the world.  It doesn’t stop time from marching on.  It doesn’t stop me from still living my life.

That was a fact that hit me as I sweated off 10 miles on the bike at the gym today.  This is a part of my life.  It’s not my life.  It’s not separate.  It’s a part.  So, often when we go on “diets” or start “exercising” we visualize a new life.  We cut ourselves off from our old.  Can’t go out for chicken wings during Monday Night Football.  Can’t do happy hour!  Can’t….can’t…can’t…etc.  We seal ourselves off.  Often we go as far as to diet in secret as if eating healthier and trying to get fit was a shameful practice like being a Cubs Fan (sorry Meghan and Mike). 

When I think of failed diet after diet it was when I lived separate lives.  I was two Melissa’s.  I wasn’t one Melissa rich with shades of color and texture.  I am not the Melissa I am today able to blend all things together into one tapestry of life.

What does this have to do with babies, you say?  Why did I gasp at the notion that everyone is having babies and/or getting married?  No, it’s not that I am 30 and suddenly this mythical clock announced it was time for me to marry and birth offspring.  It’s the idea that so often people say, “you’re life is over,” when you marry and/or have babies.  People talk about their “old” lives.  Now, I realize this is NOT all married and/or parenting folk, but roll with it for the sake of this post.  They talk about a time before.  They are living lives of separation.

Do they lose themselves once married and/or having children?  I would argue that this sometimes happens as does not losing ourselves at all.  We take on these new legs of our life’s journey thinking that we are closing the door on the past.  We can’t unwalk our steps.  Good or bad they are a part of who we are and are becoming.  Legs of our life’s journey are not exclusive.  We can walk many paths, take my routes, and enjoy many sites along this rode. 

It’s all our life.  I realize that.  So, I smile as I see my friends marrying and having babies.  They are adding more brilliant color and texture to their life’s quilt.  As am I with each new piece of silk I pick up along the way. 

Thirty...time to be serious!

I am 30 years old.  Let’s pause for reflection.  Thirty.  THIRTY!  THIRTY!!  Who would have thought I would have gotten there?  In my new found sagedom of being 30 I must ponder the things that I am grateful for.  It feels only fitting.  I must be very serious now; after all, I am 30!

Things I am thankful for at 30:

·         God’s love

·         Liam, my beloved partner/teammate in life’s journey

·         My very bestest/sister-like BFF’s; Meghan and Lishey

·         Pugs, in general.  They make me smile and when life is insane I find a youtube video of pugs does the trick!

·         Turkey; it’s made everything healthy/yummy and helped me increase my protein.  I especially love ground turkey tacos!

·         Chocolate Soy Milk

·         Yoga; helps me ground myself and is a great way over passing a long conference call.  If only coworkers knew I was often in proud warrior in the middle of one of my longwinded comments

·         That I weigh less now then fifteen years ago

·         Crushed up Oreos (because it’s not really an Oreo if it’s crushed up and put on something)

·         Having my own office that allows me to crank and sing loudly and off-key, while running reports and/or answering e-mails

These are just some of the many things that I am thankful for.  Now in my serious decade, I plan to be far more reflective.  I plan to sit and ponder life’s great questions…

***sits thoughtfully and ponders***

Hmmm….pondering is boring!  While my birthday, as do all birthdays, cause us to reflect on the year past, make resolutions, and/or be thankful for the wonderful things in our lives growing older doesn’t mean being more serious.  Being serious doesn’t mean not being fun.  That’s what turning 30 and this journey has taught me.  One can grown, change, and improve without sacrificing fun.  Life is about fun.  The things I am grateful for most are all the little touches that make life fun!

This journey would have ended a long time ago if it wasn’t fun.  If I didn’t take joy in cooking healthier food or treating tweaking a recipe in a way to make it healthier as an adventure!  I would have given up on exercising if I didn’t find ways to liven’ up it by trying new workouts, fun ways of getting into shape, or working out with a friend. 

We’re never too old to infuse a little fun into our lives and into this journey we’re taking.

Making Amends

As I stepped into the sunshine of a warm SoCal Autumn day, pushing back sweat from my workout, my thoughts turned to amends.  No, not making amends to my Northeast Friends who deal with roller coaster weather throughout the fall ‘til they reach that inevitable drop into the depth of winter, while I soak up the warm of consistency of blue skies, sunshine, and soft coastal breezes.  I think of making amends, because that’s what I was doing.  After my mini meltdown during Palates on Saturday I ran into one of the personal trainers from the gym.

“Hey Melissa!  Great to see you.  How’s the work out going?”  He’s face swept over by a large toothy grin.

I was in grips of embarrassment, reaching a fork in the road.  I would either emotional collapse into tears or swallow back the tears with a grumble and run away.  I choose the second.  “Ugh.”  I grumbled and jumped on the elevator to exit the location of my humiliation. 

It wasn’t the most tactful way to handle a very pleasant exchange.  It wasn’t his fault.  I realized that as I was walking away.  Today we met again near the elevator.  He was just as a pleasant.  “I am very sorry for my behavior on Saturday.”  He looked puzzled.  I could tell he had instantly forgotten about it, but I felt the next to explain.

“Thank you.”  He smiled at the end of my confession.  As I parted from the gym I felt much better.  I apologized.  I owned my mistake.  I did not make excuses.  I made amends. 

This is part of my journey.  It’s the unseen realization in this journey.   Making amends is woven into the fabric of my new life.  This journey is allowing me to make amends for years of not taking care of me, putting other’s needs before my own, and living in self-denial and lies.  Each day I make healthy choices I am correcting past wrongs to myself.

Making amends is not about making it up to me.  I’m not sending myself a dozen roses.  I’m not sending myself an “I’m sorry” card.  Rather it is about owning my mistake, embracing it, and making changes in behavior to avoid it happening again.  I won’t live a life of apologizing for past actions, but will focus on implementing behaviors that move forward. 

Self-forgiveness is key in this journey.  Many of us beat ourselves up throughout this journey.  “Why didn’t I do …blah, blah, blah.”  It’s easy to look at the mirror and blame ourselves; far easier to lay blame then enact change.  I did it for years.  The mirror would play judge; holding me accountable with images of squishy blobs of flush poking out of clothing and chins dangling.  Blame just made me feel guilty.  Guilt is not a motivator for change.  It just made me feel bad about myself, which I would then comfort myself with food or partake in a week or two of healthy living, only to fall back into old ways. 

Only when my heart turned to making amends and forgiving myself for the victimization of unhealthy living, did I truly embrace change.  There is a reason why making amends is about of the 12 steps of recovery.  For me; though, I was the true victim of my unhealthy ways.  Therefore, I had to make amends, forgive myself, and continue to grow and change.  Here’s to making amends!