Always be prepared for temptation

Temptation!  It’s everywhere!  Literary EVERYWHERE, especially in the office.  Working in an office can prove treacherous for those trying to stay healthy.  There are long days at a computer, stress, and treats. Everywhere I look treats!  Today was like Armageddon of treats.  When I walked into the kitchen with my healthy lunch to stuff in the fridge I saw boxes of bagels, donuts, and pastries in the kitchen.  Quickly running away from the kitchen to the safety of my unhealthy snack-free zone (aka my office) I see e-mails about brownies and pretzels brought in. 

All this unhealthy stuff was brought in to celebrate Nurses’ Week (oh the sweet irony).  I avoided the temptation.  It was easier than I thought.  How do I avoided those chocolate brownies, warm glazed donuts, and toasted bagels smothered in flavored cream cheese?  Was it will power?  Was I simply the strongest willed woman in the office?  Hell no!  It’s because I came prepared. In any way one needs a sword.  For the Food Wars I battle back with healthy/prepared foods.

By having healthy prepared food easily available it makes it easier for me to give the middle finger (so-to-speak) to fatty/sugary foods.  The war isn’t over, but the battle was won today. I walked out of the office feeling proud of myself. 

Food:

                Breakfast – Bowl of Special K Almond Cereal and Banana

                Lunch - Cut up fruit (cherries, strawberries, and grapes), celery sticks with two spoonful’s of peanut butter for dipping, and yogurt

                Afternoon Snack – Single serving of almonds, cashews, and pecans

                Dinner – Turkey Tacos

                Evening Snack – Bowl of Special K cereal

Exercise:  A 20 minute power walk with the puppies

No more detour

Some detours are longer than others.  I’ve been on a very long detour to a land of bad choices.  Over the last few months I’ve been making terrible choices when it comes to my health.  Over the last months my dedication to exercise has all but disappeared, I started drinking soda again, and said, “Sure, I’ll have fries with that” too many times than I can count. 

“Why? How?” you may gasp in shock.  After all for so long I was doing so well with my journey. Well, I’ve allowed stress to consume me.  Stress was my excuse.  I was too tired to work out, because I had a long day.  I was stressed and deserved that treat.  I had a rough work and needed to make myself a brownie.  There were so many excuses to why I wasn’t staying true to my journey.  Excuses hide the truth and the truth was that my choices took me away from the most important thing in my life; myself. 

This detour away from me was impeding my journey and could not be allowed to continue.  I had to face the mirror, which nobody likes to do.  I had to see my truth; I was failing.  I hadn’t failed, but I was failing.  The beauty of failing is that it’s a verb; therefore, it’s in motion.  It’s not the end.  It allows for a choice to continue or to change course.  I choose to change course.

Of course, one cannot change course without a map to guide them.  So, I’ve begun my map.  In my true social work nature I’ve developed my own Action Plan to get me to my long term goal; losing 50lbs by June 1, 2015.  How am I going to get there you ask?  Well, I’m embracing a healthy eating plan.  I will pre-plan all my meals.  I will pack healthy lunch/snacks for the work day.  I will make myself eat breakfast each morning.  I have given up soda completely again.  I’ve removed all junk food from my house and office.  Today I even went into my colleague Jen’s office twice and didn’t have a single peanut M&M!  The next step is to get back to my exercise regime.  I will work out at least three days a week after work and power walk at least three days a week for lunch.  Success with half of that plan today!  I got my sweat on after work!  The most important part is keeping myself accountable by continuing to be extremely open about my journey through this blog.

So, I’m back of my journey!

Today’s Food:

                Breakfast:  Glass of Soy Milk, Banana, and Yogurt

                Lunch:  Strawberries, Celery Sticks and Peanut Butter, two piece of cheddar cheese, and single serving of nuts

                Afternoon snack:  Banana and single 100 calorie yogurt crunch snack pack

                Dinner:  Turkey Burger (no bread) and steamed veggies

                Evening Snack:  Bowl of Chocolate Almond Special K cereal

Exercise:  60 minutes of Flow Yoga and 30 minute walk with eh puppies

What's Weighing on you? Is it you?

Today was an, “I hate being fat day.” It was one of those days were my fat felt ever expanding and seemed to get in the way of everything. As I dressed this morning I groaned seeing the bulges beneath my clothing. My face cringed as I saw my arm fat wave back at me during my warm ups at the gym. The squish flopped everywhere, not only for others to see, but for me to see in the mirror as I did jumping jacks during kickboxing class.


I hated how I looked, felt, and was today. My eyes stared blankly at my food trying to calculate how many calories in that sandwich and cursing myself for the needed to eat food. I had internal arguments with my inner conscience demanding how it let itself get so fat. My inner conscience merely coward in the corner wanting to comfort itself with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s as I scolded it. I thought about Dan and Julie’s wedding in a few months and having to wear a dress in front of friends. Images of my thunder thighs last night as I splashed in the pool caused me to grimace.  Really bad thoughts flooded my brain all day!

All this adds up to me not being so positive about my weight today. We all have these moments or days where we feel bad about our weight gain. There’s a reason the expression is a huge weight was lifted, because weight weighs on you! Being heavy can be, well, heavy! There isn’t a moment I forget I am fat. Each time I move the squish reminds me that it’s still there.

Positive thinking is helpful, but there are these dark days when I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I can say goodbye to this fat. The truth is, though, I’ll never say goodbye to my fatself. It’s not because I’ll never lose the weight, but because I’ll always be a fat guy. I’ll always think like a fat guy. The moment I forget about my fat is the moment I lose the battle of the bulge.

These dark days are few and far between. I share today with you, because they happen. Despite having a hopeful outlook and drive to be successful, we’ll each experience these feelings of self-loathing/doubt. It’s okay. It’s okay to have moments and/or a day like this. It happens. You cannot be expected to be little Ms. Susie Sunshine of weight-loss 24/7. Accept these moments as the potholes on your journey. They cause a bumpy ride for an instant and may try to derail you, but continue on your journey.

Despite this, “I hate my fatself” day, I stay focused. I hit the gym for my 60 minute kickboxing class. I made somewhat healthy eating choices. I engaged in a session reminding myself what is awesome about me (so needed today)! I still gave myself a treat; love me some bubble bath time. These practices help me combat these dark days, so they don't become the norm.  The dark days will happen. When they do, accept them and move on. Don’t wallow in the darkness. Everyone experiences these days. I do. You do. We all do. Accept it and move forward.

Put a plan in place to keep you working towards your goal and not lose focus or engage in unhealthy activities due to a sense of self-doubt/loathing.  Make it a part of your daily practice to find things outside of your weight that you like about yourself, treat yourself right, and give yourself a break.  These tactics can keep you on your path.  Forward motion gets us away from that pothole to a smoother path inching closer and closer.

Today’s Meals:

• Breakfast – Pop Tart (boo) and Almond Milk (Yay)

• Lunch – PB&J Wheat Sandwich and Strawberries

• Snacks – Popcorn, Orange, 4 Girl Scout Peanut Butter Cookies, cup of honey nut cheerios

Today’s Workout:

• 15 Minute walk with Milo

• 60 Minute Kickboxing Class

• 60 Minutes cleaning the kitchen/bathroom

Today’s Treat: A bubble bath

Today’s “What I like about me”: While, I hate my fat it doesn’t make me super cuddly!

I exercise because...blah blah blah

It’s like a broken record! I exercise, because I want to be healthy, lose weight, tone, increase fitness levels, and manage stress…blah…blah...blah… I even make myself want to vomit sometimes when I go on and on about how exercise is good for physical and emotional well-being. While these are true motivators/outcomes of regular engagement in athletic/exercise activities, they cannot be the only reason so many sweat away hours of the week.

Think about community sports; volleyball, softball, soccer, touch football, roller derby…etc, Yoga studios, Kickboxing/Boxing gyms, and other athletically inclined businesses and organizations.  People stay engaged in physical activity for more than health reasons. I was thinking about this during my boxing class. I was 75% done with tonight’s class. My body dunked in a bath of salty sweat.  I gasped through a fusion of fatigue and exhilaration. I thought what drove me back to boxing?  What kept me pushing myself in this way?

There are so many other, WAY less intense,  ways to get my daily dose of 60 minutes of moderate to intense exercise per the American Medical Association (stupid doctors!). Why boxing? For that matter why Yoga? Why swimming? Why Tennis? Why soccer? Why running marathons? Why any sport/exercise?  Why are children forced into organized torture sessions known as high school PE classes? Why?  Isn't it easy just to walk?  Why participate in the difficult/grueling nature of atheltics?

It couldn’t merely be the exercise could it? I know being healthy is important, but there has to be more.  I thought about myself. What was I getting out of the different exercise practices I participate in?  What was keeping me tuned in?  Let's examine this.

From my Yoga practice I get a deeper understanding of who I am. I am a typical “Type A Personality” or for those that follow the Zodiac, a Scorpio. Yoga helps me understand I am full of Pitta (hope I’m spelling that right), which means I’m full of fire. I am driven, goal centered, and determined. All this sums up in someone that is very stubburn and never gives up (just ask anyone that has argued with me). 

Yoga bestows understanding of my personality and the tools to to channel it in positive ways.  Also it teaches ways to counter that piece of myself. As well, Yoga provides me a time of reflection. It’s a time where I can commune with me and God. My Yoga practice allows me the time to go deep within myself and push out the external distractions pulling me away from the connection with self and discussion with God.

From boxing I practice my active listening skills with the rapid changes from move to move. As well, I am learning to multitask, while still building my focus. I have to protect myself, while finding opportunities to look for opportunities for a strike. My body is constantly in motion, as is my brain. It’s truly an exercise of brain and physical power. I get more than an amazing physical workout from boxing.

With boxing there is, also, this sense of team with my classmates. We cheer each other on to work to meet the demands of our instructor (coach). There are high-fives and “go girls” thrown around that gym. It’s funny that a sport associated with violence builds this community among those of us who do it.

I could examine all types of exercise/athletic pursuits to see all the things beyond the physical that keeps me coming back for me. Focus, team building, self-reflection…etc are just some of those things that make sure I get my sweat on! What keeps you coming back for me?

Today’s Food:

Breakfast – Bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats

Lunch – Slice of Cheese Pizza and Orange

Dinner – Cereal, Strawberries and almond milk

Snacks – single serving of almonds, half a slice of chocolate banana bread (I made it homemade), and tangerine fruit bar

Today’s Exercise:

20 minute power walk with Milo at lunch time

60 minute boxing class at UFC Gym

20 laps in the pool

Today’s Treat:

20 minutes soaking in the hot tub listening to “The Great Gatsby” soundtrack after boxing

Today’s “What I like about me!”

I am an awesome girlfriend! Yep, I said it! I love my man and he knows that.

The Big Reveal...

Nobody gains or losses weight in secret. It’s not something we can keep hidden deep inside and then one day come out as, “fat” or “thin.” It would be awesome to keep it secret and quietly lose weight, and then one day reveals my inner thinner self in a big way. I like to picture a party with all my loved ones standing around and suddenly I emerge from my fat suit like a healthy butterfly a new version of me with bright happy colors for the world to admire.


Alas, that doesn’t happy. As I truck along working to lose weight others watch as clothes fit looser and fewer chins appear. Man, I still remember the day someone told me I only had a chin and a half. Believe it or not that was an amazing compliment! One day that half will be gone and I’ll have on chin.

We don’t lose the weight in secret, nor do we gain it in secret. In reality weigh loss/gain is for the entire world to see. Everyone around uses watches the progression of pounds; up or down. They watch as squish pokes out of ever tighter clothing or once flabby arms transform into sculpted badges of weight loss honor. It’s all down out in the open for the entire world to see.

Why then do we try to hide our weight loss/gain? It becomes a shameful secret. Of course, one can understand hiding gaining weight. It’s embarrassing to admit to ourselves or others. “I’m bloated,” we tell ourselves putting on those zipper-free stretchy pants. However, we hide when we’re trying to lose weight.

Many of us secretly diet. We tell ourselves it’s time and begin to eat healthier or exercise. We don’t tell others. We keep it our dirty little secret. It reminds me of when Charlotte on Sex and the City dated Harry. Even though he was great for her she wouldn’t admit it for the longest time, because she was embarrassed about what dating him would say about her. What does dieting say about us? It tells the world that for a bit of time we lost self-control and inched closer and closer to having our orbit (I often feel like a planet). It says we failed to take care of ourselves and nobody likes to feel like a failure. We beat ourselves up for gaining the weight.

We beat ourselves up even worse for trying to lose the weight. It’s so much easier to gain weight. Losing it takes work and doesn’t happen overnight. We become frustrated and it’s easier to quit. Even we tell nobody, there is nobody to stop us or know we quit. We sometimes fall down during the weight loss journey. When nobody knows, then if we overeat or skip the gym there is nobody to be disappointed in us. We can lie to ourselves. We can make ourselves feel reassured. We can let ourselves off the hook. We can continue to live in the closet struggling with our weight.

By stepping into the light and allowing the world to bear witness to our story we finally hold our truth as a flag of honor. We are fat. We are trying to lose to be healthy. We once lost control. We didn’t take care of ourselves. We are now frustrated and working hard to be healthy. We face failures, tripping and falling along this path. We climb seemingly unending hills only to find another hill at the top or a deep valley below.

We own our story and who we are. We find strength in that. Living honestly and opening about our health struggles allow us to truly embrace it. I am fat. I have gained 15lbs since moving to Long Beach, because I haven’t been as in control of my diet as I should be. I have to watch what I eat. I have to exercise. I share my vulnerability with the world to find strength, support, and partnership from those that share my journey. A journey is always better with a friend along the way. Letting others in and sharing my truth fuels me.

I am fat. I am working on myself. I am not perfect. I am living authentically. I am embraced.

What you like about me v what I like about me

Everybody loves a compliment. Put the false modesty away folks. You know there is a little extra spring in your step, when someone expresses pleasure in something about you or the way you do things. I’m sure even Mother Theresa had a smile on her face when complimented. Taking a compliment and feeling a sense of happiness at that is not a bad thing.  Today during boxing I got two compliments in the first ten minutes of class.

Before class started a girl I see on a regular basis said, “Wow, I can totally see the weight loss on you. You’re toning too!” I couldn’t help, but gush. “Thank you!” I exclaimed with a giant grin on my face. Tucking that compliment in my side pocket I was ready to take on my kick butt class.

Then Dorian, my boxing instructor, came up to me to demonstrate bobbing and weaving. “Girl, you should be teaching this class! You got it,” he high-fived me. Another even bigger grin took over my entire face. I felt a sense of accomplishment and growth take over. I put that compliment in my other side pocket and battled through the grueling 60 minute class in the 90 degree boxing gym.

After class I thought about compliments. They are such splendid feedback on any journey. However, I wondered which type of compliment carried more weight for me? Was looking good to others more important than demonstrating growth and development?

Of course, looking good is a part of this. Everyone wants to put on an outfit and feel attractive. I love the idea of having the ability to shop in all stores even the evil Abercrombie and Fitch (although, I will NEVER shop there) or putting on a lovely black dress for a dinner out with Liam and having no pieces of squish popping out!  Heck I want to be able to look at myself naked in a mirror and say, "dang!"

Looking good for me is a byproduct of this journey, though, because I already see myself as beautiful.  The most important thing for me is the ability to see growth and development in my fitness/health levels. Seeing change in my flexibility, endurance, strength, balance, and agility carries me throw to my ultimate goal of enjoying overall good health.

I add one more dimension to the discussion of compliments. Was it more important for me to find validation from others or myself? How much should compliments hold sway on my sense of self accomplishment during this journey? Shouldn’t I be the first to recognize my growth? Isn’t it up to me to tell myself how good I look or how strong my abilities are?

Placing too much importance on compliments from others can weaken one’s growth. Compliments are like the sprinkles on a sundae or extra 10% off that already rock bottom sales price! They are a lovely thing, but we must first look to ourselves for feedback, support, cheer, and guidance. We have to be our number one cheerleader.

That’s why each day I find one thing I like about myself and make sure I tell myself that. I look for ways I look good, characteristics that I like, or abilities I have to compliment myself on. This ensures that no matter the distance between external compliments I am engaging in self-validation and love.

This journey is the deepest expression of love I have for myself. I am getting healthy for me. It will allow me to do so much for others and be around longer for my loved ones. However, let’s not fool ourselves. Getting healthy is truly selfish.  We do this to feel, look, and be the best version of ourselves. While we navigate that path, let’s remind ourselves of how well we’re doing on this journey. After all, nobody likes a negative Nancy for a backseat driver!

Today’s Meals:

• Breakfast – Bowl of Cereal, Banana, Glass of Chocolate Almond Milk

• Lunch – Two mini low fat bean burritos

• Dinner – PB&J on Wheat Bread

• Snacks – Single serving of goldfish crackers, orange, two caramels

Today’s Exercise:

• 60 minute low impact walk

• 60 minute high-impact boxing class

• 20 minute swim (20 laps)

Today’s Treat:

• 20 minute soak in the hot tub after boxing/swimming

Today’s what I like about me:

• My cheerleader behavior. I tend to be very supportive. It game out during boxing, when I was cheering some of my classmates on during drills. They wanted to give up, but I wanted let them. This also kept me going strong during the class.

Fat! Fat! Fat!

Fat is everywhere! Sometimes I feel like I cannot escape the topic of fat. We are a culture obsessed with fat in one way or another. There are stories about how to lose fat, how fat is dominating, how fat is killing Americans, how to make fatty foods, and where to eat fatty foods. I feel like Jan Brady, “Fat! Fat! Fat!”


I’m just as guilty as this. I spend about 90% of my day consumed by fat and I don't mean just the fat squishing out of my t-shirt lol!  I am thinking about how to lose fat, but at the same time craving fatty foods. Today I couldn’t escape fat. Each news story on the radio talked about fat. First, there was a story/discussion about Chris Christie getting the lap band surgery. The next one was about how owning a dog can positively impact one’s health and waist line (thank you Milo!). Then, I turn on Bill Maher at the end of the day to a discussion about over processed foods and fat people.

Today I couldn’t escape fat. In fact, I never will escape fat. Fat will always be a part of my life. Even if I lose the weight I need to, the fat will still be there. Deep inside of me is a Fat Guy. I have a Fat Guy brain and have to fight it. It’s like those that struggle with drugs and alcohol. They may end up abstaining from using/abusing substances, but they still have a daily battle to maintain sobriety.

I/will struggle with fat each day. It would be so nice to have a vacation from fat, but it’s highly unlikely. One can never escape fat; however, can learn ways to cope with fat. I have to gain tools for dealing with losing fat and craving fatty foods. I also need to learn how to not allow fat to completely consume my life becoming my main focus. This is, perhaps, the most important coping device to develop.

How does one not let fat rule their life? For me by focusing on other activities that cause to me have an enriched life not focused of losing fat or fatty foods. Some of these activities include taking Improv, which allows me for 2 hours a week to focus on fun v fat. Even the exercises I choose to engage in help me focus on something besides fat. “What?” you ask, “How can exercise be devoid of fat?” Well, yes, exercise aids in battling fat; however, it engages other aspects of my life. Boxing channels stress into a healthy outlet, while having fun in a supportive environment. Yoga provides me with a deeper connection with my spirit and God.

Much like Jan Brady with her large perm Whig some of these activities allow me to step away from fat for a few minutes, but also allow me to develop strategies for dealing with fat for the rest of my life. Fat will always be a part of my life, but it doesn’t have to hold me hostage. I am more than fat.

Today’s Treat – A movie date to see The Great Gatsby with Stacie!

Today’s Exercise – 20 minute power walk with Milo

Today’s what I like about me – My new hair color! I got my hair sassy!