Accountable

I dumped a soda down the drain today.  That’s $1.50 wasted.  Sluggish and craving the quick fix of a carbonated beverage I hit the local market and bought a soda.  It was a 5 minute round trip.  Sitting in my office I smiled as the bubbles washed into my belly.  As I sat there mindlessly sipping the soda trying to focus on my conference call it hit me; I was mindlessly consuming 250 calories, 25 mg of Sodium, 25 mg of sugar, and ZERO nutrients.  Then the embarrassment and shame swept over me, washing away that simple satisfaction of the soda.

In those few moments I thought about my goals, my journey, and the things that could derail it.  It’s easy to fall back into bad habits.  “It’s only one.”  “Live a little.”  All the ways we lie to ourselves.  I couldn’t justify it.  There really isn’t any justification.  It’s an unhealthy habit. 

So, I did the only logical thing I could do; I dumped it down the drain.  I cringed at the wasted money, but the idea of finishing it or leaving it to sip on during the week left a bad taste in my mouth that the soda couldn’t wash away.  Finishing it would only fuel the lies I told myself.  Drinking it made me feel like a fraud; to myself and to those I care about who are supporting me on this journey.

I write this to hold myself accountable.  That’s a big part of this journey; accountability.  Gaining the weight symbolizes the ultimate lack of taking responsibility for my actions.  I would allow myself to make unhealthy choices, not facing the reality of what these unhealthy choices are doing to me.

I must not forget to continue to hold myself accountable.  If I don’t, my journey will be for nothing.  We all sigh, when we see our friends lose a lot of weight and gain it all back.  Without accountability we are doomed to repeat our own mistakes.  Accountability must be a life-long lesson and practice.  Change is not a destination, but a journey.  It is never ending.  I must remain diligent and true.   

Mind on my Money....

At the beginning of our weigh loss journey we are intoxicated with motivation.  It seeps throughout out body, taking over all thoughts.  We’re consumed with healthy recipes and an impulse to workout.  Like all drunken states this fades away and the sobering reality of life hits.  How do we maintain that motivation?  How do we life in the reality of a world ripe with distraction?

This is something I struggle with each day.  I have to find motivation each day to do the things that help me along my path.  Much like someone struggling with addiction (really I am struggling with addiction to making bad health choices with my food/exercise habits) I have to take it day-by-day.  I feel like I should break into song here.

Each day is a new challenge to find motivation.  Today it was money.  After a long workday I sat at my office desk thinking about curling up on the couch and watching last night’s “Once Upon a Time.”  That’s all I wanted to do after a long day of frustration and a weekend spent traveling.  I just wanted rest.  I wanted to treat myself.  The last thing that felt like a treat was the gym.  Then I thought of those gym fees.  Every two weeks those gym fees deducted out of my bank account.  I paused thinking of that money being drained from my account for no reason.

So, often I’ve seen friends go months paying for a gym membership they are not using.  That’s money that I could use on groceries, pay the electric bill, or buy myself a present!  That’s money I am wasting on nothing. There is no result.  At least, with a night of binging on frozen yogurt I have a memory of that sweet taste.  With this I have NOTHING.  The idea of my money going to nothing was enough to drag me to the gym.

I got every dollar worth working out for 90 minutes.  It was the motivation that I needed to get me there.  Tomorrow I am sure that I will have to muster up more motivation.  Each day the challenge will be in maintaining the motivation that I was drunk with at the beginning of this journey.  Motivation can be fleeting.  It’s important to remember that and look for new motivation throughout this journey.

Marriage, Babies, Diet?

It feels like all of my friends from high school and college are getting married and having babies.  Wait, it doesn’t feel like that AT all; because it is what’s happening!  What does this have to do with my weight loss journey, you ask?  EVERYTHING! 

This weight loss journey is not separate from the rest of my life.  It’s deeply woven carefully becoming threads holding the fabric of my life’s journey together.  My life’s journey is a quilt of many colors and weight loss is one of those colors.  Weight loss is not a separate life.  It does close me off to the rest of the world.  It doesn’t stop time from marching on.  It doesn’t stop me from still living my life.

That was a fact that hit me as I sweated off 10 miles on the bike at the gym today.  This is a part of my life.  It’s not my life.  It’s not separate.  It’s a part.  So, often when we go on “diets” or start “exercising” we visualize a new life.  We cut ourselves off from our old.  Can’t go out for chicken wings during Monday Night Football.  Can’t do happy hour!  Can’t….can’t…can’t…etc.  We seal ourselves off.  Often we go as far as to diet in secret as if eating healthier and trying to get fit was a shameful practice like being a Cubs Fan (sorry Meghan and Mike). 

When I think of failed diet after diet it was when I lived separate lives.  I was two Melissa’s.  I wasn’t one Melissa rich with shades of color and texture.  I am not the Melissa I am today able to blend all things together into one tapestry of life.

What does this have to do with babies, you say?  Why did I gasp at the notion that everyone is having babies and/or getting married?  No, it’s not that I am 30 and suddenly this mythical clock announced it was time for me to marry and birth offspring.  It’s the idea that so often people say, “you’re life is over,” when you marry and/or have babies.  People talk about their “old” lives.  Now, I realize this is NOT all married and/or parenting folk, but roll with it for the sake of this post.  They talk about a time before.  They are living lives of separation.

Do they lose themselves once married and/or having children?  I would argue that this sometimes happens as does not losing ourselves at all.  We take on these new legs of our life’s journey thinking that we are closing the door on the past.  We can’t unwalk our steps.  Good or bad they are a part of who we are and are becoming.  Legs of our life’s journey are not exclusive.  We can walk many paths, take my routes, and enjoy many sites along this rode. 

It’s all our life.  I realize that.  So, I smile as I see my friends marrying and having babies.  They are adding more brilliant color and texture to their life’s quilt.  As am I with each new piece of silk I pick up along the way. 

Thirty...time to be serious!

I am 30 years old.  Let’s pause for reflection.  Thirty.  THIRTY!  THIRTY!!  Who would have thought I would have gotten there?  In my new found sagedom of being 30 I must ponder the things that I am grateful for.  It feels only fitting.  I must be very serious now; after all, I am 30!

Things I am thankful for at 30:

·         God’s love

·         Liam, my beloved partner/teammate in life’s journey

·         My very bestest/sister-like BFF’s; Meghan and Lishey

·         Pugs, in general.  They make me smile and when life is insane I find a youtube video of pugs does the trick!

·         Turkey; it’s made everything healthy/yummy and helped me increase my protein.  I especially love ground turkey tacos!

·         Chocolate Soy Milk

·         Yoga; helps me ground myself and is a great way over passing a long conference call.  If only coworkers knew I was often in proud warrior in the middle of one of my longwinded comments

·         That I weigh less now then fifteen years ago

·         Crushed up Oreos (because it’s not really an Oreo if it’s crushed up and put on something)

·         Having my own office that allows me to crank and sing loudly and off-key, while running reports and/or answering e-mails

These are just some of the many things that I am thankful for.  Now in my serious decade, I plan to be far more reflective.  I plan to sit and ponder life’s great questions…

***sits thoughtfully and ponders***

Hmmm….pondering is boring!  While my birthday, as do all birthdays, cause us to reflect on the year past, make resolutions, and/or be thankful for the wonderful things in our lives growing older doesn’t mean being more serious.  Being serious doesn’t mean not being fun.  That’s what turning 30 and this journey has taught me.  One can grown, change, and improve without sacrificing fun.  Life is about fun.  The things I am grateful for most are all the little touches that make life fun!

This journey would have ended a long time ago if it wasn’t fun.  If I didn’t take joy in cooking healthier food or treating tweaking a recipe in a way to make it healthier as an adventure!  I would have given up on exercising if I didn’t find ways to liven’ up it by trying new workouts, fun ways of getting into shape, or working out with a friend. 

We’re never too old to infuse a little fun into our lives and into this journey we’re taking.

Making Amends

As I stepped into the sunshine of a warm SoCal Autumn day, pushing back sweat from my workout, my thoughts turned to amends.  No, not making amends to my Northeast Friends who deal with roller coaster weather throughout the fall ‘til they reach that inevitable drop into the depth of winter, while I soak up the warm of consistency of blue skies, sunshine, and soft coastal breezes.  I think of making amends, because that’s what I was doing.  After my mini meltdown during Palates on Saturday I ran into one of the personal trainers from the gym.

“Hey Melissa!  Great to see you.  How’s the work out going?”  He’s face swept over by a large toothy grin.

I was in grips of embarrassment, reaching a fork in the road.  I would either emotional collapse into tears or swallow back the tears with a grumble and run away.  I choose the second.  “Ugh.”  I grumbled and jumped on the elevator to exit the location of my humiliation. 

It wasn’t the most tactful way to handle a very pleasant exchange.  It wasn’t his fault.  I realized that as I was walking away.  Today we met again near the elevator.  He was just as a pleasant.  “I am very sorry for my behavior on Saturday.”  He looked puzzled.  I could tell he had instantly forgotten about it, but I felt the next to explain.

“Thank you.”  He smiled at the end of my confession.  As I parted from the gym I felt much better.  I apologized.  I owned my mistake.  I did not make excuses.  I made amends. 

This is part of my journey.  It’s the unseen realization in this journey.   Making amends is woven into the fabric of my new life.  This journey is allowing me to make amends for years of not taking care of me, putting other’s needs before my own, and living in self-denial and lies.  Each day I make healthy choices I am correcting past wrongs to myself.

Making amends is not about making it up to me.  I’m not sending myself a dozen roses.  I’m not sending myself an “I’m sorry” card.  Rather it is about owning my mistake, embracing it, and making changes in behavior to avoid it happening again.  I won’t live a life of apologizing for past actions, but will focus on implementing behaviors that move forward. 

Self-forgiveness is key in this journey.  Many of us beat ourselves up throughout this journey.  “Why didn’t I do …blah, blah, blah.”  It’s easy to look at the mirror and blame ourselves; far easier to lay blame then enact change.  I did it for years.  The mirror would play judge; holding me accountable with images of squishy blobs of flush poking out of clothing and chins dangling.  Blame just made me feel guilty.  Guilt is not a motivator for change.  It just made me feel bad about myself, which I would then comfort myself with food or partake in a week or two of healthy living, only to fall back into old ways. 

Only when my heart turned to making amends and forgiving myself for the victimization of unhealthy living, did I truly embrace change.  There is a reason why making amends is about of the 12 steps of recovery.  For me; though, I was the true victim of my unhealthy ways.  Therefore, I had to make amends, forgive myself, and continue to grow and change.  Here’s to making amends!

Through the darkness

I sat in a dark room on Saturday with a Pilates Instructor calling out positions that were foreign to me.  Panic stricken eyes searched for light to guide the way through the darkness.  The only light shined from the door; escape.  I felt lost.  I could feel that clump in my throat building as I pushed back the tears.  Sitting there motionless I tried to use telepathy to tell the instructor, “I have RP and my rods don’t pick up the wee bit of light in this room; therefore, I have night blindness.  HELP!”  My telepathic screams fell on deaf ears.

Blind and lost I went towards my only salvation; the light of the door.  I could hear voices, “Did she just walk out of palates?”  I was humiliated.  My heart anchored down with the pain of mortification.  I vowed, “I’ll never take that class again,” as I jumped onto the comfort of the elliptical.  For 30 minutes I pounded out my frustration.  The sting of salty, sweaty tears stung my eye, burning the shame of what happened into my memory.

It’s been a few days since the embarrassment of Saturday’s Pilates Class.  Today as I did one of my many familiar circuit training routines it hit me that we’re all blind during this journey.  At some point on the weight loss journey we each sit blindly, pushing back tears, and vowing, “Never again!”  It may happen in the beginning, middle, or down the path.  However, it happens to each of us.  We feel helpless and search for the light of certainty.  

It’s a universal experience that can derail our journey.  Whether its feeling lost in the middle of a plateau period, not knowing where to begin, or searching for the strength to pull through, it happens to each of us.  As someone with a visual impairment I spend much of my life walking blindly.  However, with my trusty cane Pedro (yep, I named him) I can find my way through the darkness.  We each need a cane to help us get through the darkness of hopelessness, uncertainly, embarrassment…etc on this journey.  That cane could be a work out DVD, a work out buddy, a healthy cooking recipe book, a blog, a friend, a dog to go walking with each night…etc.  It could be whatever helps us along the path.

Today I realized this blog is my cane.  It helps guide me.  It helps me reflect on this journey and orient myself to my life’s journey.  So, in that moment of darkness find your cane to guide you through.  Remember it’s not a crutch, because you’re holding it.  It’s in the power of your hands, guiding by the many skills you have deep inside.

I'll be going back to that class, using my voice, and trying again.  Part of the journey through the darkness is creating new paths, not just embracing the familiar.

Got a case of the "if onlys?"

“If I only had time…” is a common phrase sighed throughout the world.  “If I only had time I would exercise more.”  “If I only had time I would run a 5k.”  “If I only had time I would make a meal instead of driving through KFC.”  “If I only had time I would make take a walk at lunch instead of eating vending machine potato chips.”  If I only…

I am quite sure we could string together a War and Peace sized book of “If only I had time.”  Perhaps, that will be the name of our autobiographies?  Wouldn’t be a very interesting story, would it?  It would be a painful read of prolonged self-denial and unfulfilled dreams.  I  have often lived my life in a state of “…if only.” 

Like so many I would think about those many things that would be good for me or bring me pleasure, only to cast them aside with the notion that I didn’t have time.  Really?  I didn’t have time for me?  I was making excuses.  It’s sometimes easier to dream of what could be, rather than make it happen.  It’s really much easier than we think.  When life is stressful and work deadlines loom it feels much easier to push aside those things.  “I’ll go to the gym next week.”  “I’ll make time for lunch tomorrow.”  We make lots of promises to ourselves that we do not keep.

Hit that gavel and make your sentence; I am just as guilty of this as anyone.  Each day I am faced with a series of choices on whether time is my master or am I its master?  I realize that if I push everything back, denying myself a healthy and happy life due to time that the time will never come.  I have to make it come.  It takes a great deal of work.  It takes getting up early in the morning to work out.  It takes sacrificing my lunch spent on a conference call or working on the computer to the sunshine and fresh air of a well-deserved afternoon walk.  It takes unfolding my yoga mat in the middle of my office while on a conference call to do yoga stretching on calls (can’t imagine how many times I’m asking a question, while in downward facing dog!). 

It’s a lot of effort to make master time, but it’s worth it.  The benefits of mastering time; self awareness, self discipline, self rewarding, stress reduction….etc.  The “if onlys” still creep in.  They overcame me yesterday, but today is another day.  Today I mastered my time to do Yoga during my afternoon Conference Call, take a ten minute walk during my lunch, and end the day with an evening stool and a treat of five dollar eye brow waxing (love this shop!). 

It’s important to be the master of our own time, it’s the only way we have time for ourselves.  Perhaps, this is the most important lesson on this journey.

Workout today:  60 minutes of Yoga Stretching, 10 minute power walk, and 20 minute stroll

Food:  Bowl of Special K, Apple, Grapes, Single Serving of Almonds, Peanut Butter and Honey Sandwich on toasted whole wheat bread, fish sandwich on whole wheat English muffin, cut up cucumber, cut up bell pepper, small piece of brownie, junior size p-nut smoothie from Robek’s Juice Bar, and eight glasses of water

Lesson:  It’s okay not to answer the phone